I am a 35 year old new mother and wife. I am a survivor of child abuse and neglect. I'll be using this diary to help me put the pieces back together from my past, to explore memories that I've tried to keep buried, but also to celebrate the beautiful life I now have.

Latest Entry

A quest to unlock the Cranky

September 1, 2023
Why am I cranky today? I've been cranky all day. I'm not particularly bothered by anything strange or new. Just the usual. Why does my mother suck? Why did my father die? Why do my sisters abandon me? Why why why whyyyy   So stupid. Ah, I heard the Universe tell me to be kind…
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Recent Entries

  • The Notebook
    August 30, 2023
    Dear Diary, Last night I watched The Notebook for the first time in my life. It made me cry about 10 times. I thought it was very tastefully done. I wanted to hate it. It's obvious why it's still such a popular movie. I saw a lot of parallels between my life and the movie.…
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  • She Stirs
    August 22, 2023
    Healing. This is the number one word in my life right now. I am healing. I am healed. I began this process of uncovering my wounds, and it's finally working. I think of it this way. I didn't know I had wounds. I knew I was hurting, but that's all I knew. I didn't know…
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  • Michael Wayne’s First Birthday!
    August 10, 2023
    Dear Diary, What a beautiful first birthday Michael Wayne had! My cousin Mickey came up from San Diego. Carole came early on the day of the party and watched the baby so I could fix everything up and it was such a relief. I wouldn't have been able to do it without them. The party…
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  • Just a normal diary entry for once
    July 29, 2023
    Things are going really well! I’ve moved through a lot of really gnarly emotions and memories that were trapped in my body and in my mind. It was really hard. They tell you it will be hard, but after you’ve been through so much, you think, “shit, it can’t be that hard.” It is. But…
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  • A letter to my mother (releasing raw anger)
    July 24, 2023
    Dear Mother, You are a sad sack of shit, do you know that? I have to write pretend letters to you because you’re such a fucking piece of work. Imagine a world where I could just call you, explain the pain I’m in, and you could hear me… console me. Imagine that. You would say,…
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  • Accepting things as they are
    July 17, 2023
    I feel awesome today. Not in an exciting way, but just a very even-keeled way. I feel close to center. Hopefully one day I’ll know what it’s like to feel completely centered, but today I think I feel closer to whatever centered actually is than I have in a very, very long time. I’ve been…
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  • A Moment of Softness
    July 2, 2023
    I feel a moment of softness. I want to hug my Mama. I want to see her as a 16 year old and I want to hug her. I wish I could float down on a cloud and see her, a Slovak in a Polish Catholic school. A skinny, tall, long haired girl. I'd love…
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  • The Emotionally Absent Mother Pt. 1
    June 28, 2023
    I'm currently reading a book called The Emotionally Absent mother. I'm really grateful that a book like this even exists. I can't even express how much help it is. Not only is it a tremendous tool for helping me sort out my past, but I'm very confident it will help me to be a better…
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  • Acceptance
    June 27, 2023
    This morning I wake up with acceptance. Two nights ago I slept over at my best friend's house and we listened to the recording I made of my last phone call with my mother. It was really astounding to revisit. I realized that my mother has been actively trying to hurt me for my whole…
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