I started writing shortly after OD launched, around 1999 at 11 years old. Of course my original diary was lost in the abyss of teenage angst, but I established this one in 2004...that was a long time ago - it took awhile to get from then to now.
Some things are private, some things were lost when OD went down, some I deleted myself...but this is what remains. $99 for a lifetime subscription as a broke college kid was a solid investment.

Trauma. Depression. Anorexia. Self injury. Anxiety. Promiscuity. Bad decisions. And somehow, a "happily ever after". And now, lots of therapy.

Latest Entry

Butterflies

November 21, 2024
I had never noticed him before - I mean, not in that way at least...though we've probably spoken hundreds of times; he speaks fast and is always moving, so our conversations were never particularly lengthy - a few words here and there, maybe a seemingly nervous laugh on his end as he'd walk away....
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Recent Entries

  • Pressure
    February 11, 2024
    Sometimes there are so many thoughts in my head, I feel overwhelmed, and I get that craving to journal - to take the jumble of thoughts and lay them all out, organize them, make sense of them...but when I start to type, they're gone. I quit therapy awhile ago - I got frustrated. Sometimes it…
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  • Panic Disorder
    October 11, 2023
    How do I continuously end up right back where I started? No warning. No slippery slope. Just, a sudden drop. Thrown against the same fucking wall. And every time it hits, it hits a little harder. I thought it was just another migraine. I took some Excedrin and tried to push through it. We were&he...
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  • Another Day, Another Book
    April 4, 2022
    It started with a massage - well, no, it started with neck pain. Chronic f*cking neck pain. It'd been over a year since my last appointment, but I booked with the same therapist I always do; this time though, he questioned if I was experiencing abuse or a history of abuse/trauma, which caught me ...
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  • Holding Back
    March 8, 2022
    Last week at Krav I momentarily dissociated - my partner reached up and swiped my face back to distract me/counter a headlock; I'm not sure how long his hand was on my face - I remember trying to ignore it and then, it's like everything went blank, and the next thing I knew he was…
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  • Be Curious
    March 3, 2022
    Trauma recovery is like a maze; wandering around, never knowing where you're going, or if you're making progress, or when you'll hit a wall - you can spend so much time ardently searching for the right path, and still miss it, knowing it's there, but unable to find it. It's messy and you keep mak...
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  • What are you running from?
    March 2, 2022
    It was really hard to be alone with myself last night - well, maybe alone isn't the right word; it was hard to be sober. So I put wine on the grocery order this morning & it felt like a sign when they claimed it was out of stock, and there was no substitute (...not…
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  • TMI
    February 27, 2022
    Sometimes I cry after sex. I've tried to narrow down the exact "feeling" lately - the closest I can come up with to describe it though is grief, and that doesn't really make sense. It's heavy, and it crushes my chest and burns my throat and strangles me & even if I close my eyes,…
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  • Intro to Insanity
    February 26, 2022
    June 2020 - everything was shut down, my husband started working from home & luckily I already homeschooled my kids so it wasn't a difficult or stressful transition for us at all but one day I just randomly had a major panic attack - literally nothing notable about the day, no particular trig...
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  • dull it down
    February 14, 2022
    I told my therapist today that it was a toss up whether I'd go home after my appointment, or just, run away and embark on a journey of homelessness. He proceeded to tell me an anecdote about a homeless camp he'd walked past once - and, how there were lots of rats. Nothing else. Just…
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