TOTW30 Saved my sanity
All my life I have been battling with my mother about whats right about me and the most of the things that are wrong. She tells me in one meaning how much she is proud of me and the next how fat I look in a certain outfit. You see my mom is obsessed about weight, how others view me and mostly what she feels is right for me. She is almost 80 and I hoped this year when I came to visit her in the US she would maybe finally accept me for who I am.
My brother who otherwise does not give a crap about me asked me out for the annual dinner. The first thing she says to me is “put on that outfit you look nice and thin on” I snapped and just felt like saying some mean things, then she says “you know we are old fashioned and maybe your brother will be happy to see you thinner” I am 53 and I really think this was a time as good as any to save myself from this horrid and degenerating treatment.
I started to defend myself and she got offensive. My dad just winked at me , like don’t argue with her. I was so sad , this has been my issue all my life not believing in myself and always hearing her words YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I look at myself and see me like she does. I love her but at this moment the hate was just to much to put aside, I couldn’t.
She rates people by this standard. Your brother would love you more if you were thin. If you thighs were smaller you would be perfect, that dress is not worn in the US only in Sweden where you are so liberal. On and on and on……maybe thats my reason for leaving the US many years ago. to escape this eternal nagging and prosecution.
I’m sorry to read this. Your mother is not right in the way that she thinks of you. I think she is projecting her own insecurities onto you. In some ways, she must feel inadequate. Size should not be what others place judgement and value on.
@wildrose_2 even if I am so aware of this every time I come here we wind up in the same place..she looks at me every time I put something on me and judges …I am so fed up it has made my life hell …I always think of others who are thin and wish I was just to stop hearing this BS all the time…my brother is normal weight but not a nice person BUT he is respected allways
@zowey It’s just not right or fair the way your mother judges you. You are perfect just the way you are. My daughter is somewhat overweight and is in the process of trying to slim down but I always tell her to remember she is beautiful no matter her size. Your mother should be wanting to bolster your self esteem not make you feel self conscious and negatively about yourself. Perhaps it’s good that you don’t live where your mother does.
@wildrose_2 I left when I was 24 never moved back to the states….I fight with her words in my head all my life….thanx for the comment
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I grew up with the same thing. It took me ages to learn it was Dad’s problem, not mine. It destroyed my self confidence and has taken forever to heal from but I’m doing it. You just be proud of you. I think you look great!
@snarkle thanx so much…yes I know its her problem my aunt was the same if not worse…They used to sit out in a park and talk and judge people who passed by us….talking how one was better than the other,,,all of it was about their weigh and clothing that had on …I bought my summer clothes to please them this year but it was not good enough again
@zowey You know it would never be good enough. You could magically become Angelina Jolie or something and for them, it’d no be enough. Empty sad people.
@snarkle yes they are empty and sad….a life lived in judgment and prejudice ..I am happy I turned out differently
@zowey I am too!
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She sounds like my mother-in-law and how she was. She was always on my husband, his brother, me, my sister-in-law and my daughter about weight! And nothing was EVER right. We would lose weight and she would then complain we were too skinny. Ironic thing, she was obese all her life! So sorry you have to deal with this, it is a wonder you don’t have an eating disorder.
@dapinkiiee maybe my disorder is my binge eating of sweets …then I hate myself for being so weak it never stops
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sorry
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I think something I’ve learned after living with my family is that some people are so empty and barren inside. They live to make you feel sad and hopeless. To keep you downtrodden. And maybe that’s cathartic for them.
I think my family is a lot like yours. It’s all about how the family appears. Especially to people I don’t think we’ll ever see again (e.g. the public). I’ve never bought into that set of thinking and I wish some in my family didn’t either. I’ve become a silent follower that’s slowly finding his voice.
Life can be hard, but it can be beautiful too. I think it’s all about how we approach things. It sounds like you’ve chosen to view in the light and they’ve chosen to view everything in the dark. Maybe I’m projecting, because that’s how my family is. Rose colored glasses…
Here’s a quote that is one of my favorites. I may not take the advice as much as I wish I would, but I’m trying and I hope you keep trying too. It inspires me to be who I am and unapologetic:
“Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written, or you didn’t go swimming in those warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.” ― Anne Lamott
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