This whole immigration ordeal is retarded.

Ok.  Enough with the immigration bullshit.  We CAN’T instate a "guest worker" program like the dumbass president wants, and we CAN’T just ship all these 12 MILLION people back under the rock from whence they came.  Nor can we suddenly decide, "Oh!  You people are all now felons wanted under the U.S. constitution!  We’ve seen how many of you can fit in a pick-up truck so cram into this overcrowded jail cell, and maybe well only fill about 12 prisons that way!"  Why would we need to, you ask?  All of these Mexicans and Guatemalans and what not that come into this country illegally are criminals by our laws.  They claim that all of the europeans and africans and asians that end up here are also immigrants, and that is a very astute observation on their parts.  The major difference throughout the entire colonization of the North American continent ever since Coloumbus made the biggest ass of himself ever when he thought he had arrived in India and named all of the natives Indians all the way up to this very day is that when everyone else came here, we knew WHO they were, WHERE they were from and WHY they were here.  They came over on gigantor ships with crew rosters and when they hit New York they proudly announced their family name to the people there who took it down, and as they settled they naturalized themselves.  They proved their value to the country and earned their citizenship by being open members of the community around them.  They also learned English.  They did not (for the most part) sneak into the country under cover of darkness and count on the fact that the white folks would think all the brown folks look the same and wouldn’t notice if they suddenly showed up looking for a farm job the next morning not speaking a lick of English.  Nor did they float across the river and shit babies out on the other side as a free ticket to citizenship through their numerous broodlings, and create insular Mexican-American communities that operate on an entirely different level from everything around them.

Now… all things considered, that’s a pretty pathetic thing to be a criminal for.  That’s something akin to trespassing with intent to camp out indefinitely while using the land owner’s firewood to cook your smores.  Or perhaps loitering without proper documentation.  There is no way in hell these people should be felons over some paltry misdemeanor like this.  The problem is, we KNOW there are bad seeds in this bunch, such as drug runners, murderers, gang members, banditos, and many other people who are simply evading Mexico’s guitly-until-proven-innocent corruption for things they know they didn’t do, or did do and don’t want to face up to, but how are we to seperate them?  We really can’t so we have to criminalize ALL people who come over here without our permission.  But what about the honest workers with families who are already here?  My question to them is "Why the fuck did you come over illegally when you could have applied for a work visa, a student visa,  or perhaps a green card or some other paper to prove that you really wanted to be a member of American society?"  You know… I already know the answer to that.  Mexico sucks.  plain and simple.  No less than 50% of the people live below the poverty line.  Not at it.  There are no jobs, no economic growth, there is rampant corruption, and the education system is a total waste of time.  Sure its a fun place to visit with its wild fiestas and cock fights and super explosive fireworks… but IF the poor people can get a job it’s at a city dump making 30 pesos per week.  That’s like $2.  I’m not exaggerating AT ALL.  Is it any wonder that they’d rather sneak over here and make $5/hour for 12 hour days farming, and risk being criminals for it?  I would.

The question remains what to do about it.  I say we give them a chance.  We say something simple.  We say "Get papers, or get out."  We set a certain amount for the price of legalized immigration documents and they can set aside a certain amount of money from each paycheck until they get the money or maybe if they’ve saved it up already they can pay it all up front.  Those who already have jobs and who already contribute to the community and who pay taxes and everything like that should have no problem with this.  Even if they have to go hungry for a few weeks while they save up, it can’t be any worse than their 30 pesos per week that they fled in Mexico.  They’ll manage and they’ll be better off for it because they’ll be on their way to becoming naturalized citizens with documentation and everything.  If they can’t pay for their papers we reserve every right to send them packing right back to their place of origin or the nearest convenient parallel dimension.  This is because of the whole we-can’t-tell-who-the-criminals-are-so-you’re-all-criminals thing I mentioned earlier.  In addition to all of this there are bound to be people who refuse to leave or they can’t leave, but neither can they afford papers.  People who came to be with their families but have no other connections or no jobs, or maybe they’re too old to work or maybe they’re too sick or injured to pay immigration bills?  Well what happens to all Americans who can’t pay the legal fees?  They go to jail.  Maybe a few weeks or a few months while we process and document them.  We’d be more than happy to start our own documentation on these people, but they’ll have to have an arrest on their record for illegal immigration, and they’ll have to deal with it like every other American who has had an arrest.  Just ask a black guy.  He’ll tell you it happens all the time.  Sad but true right?  I know it’s a little racist of me but I can’t help it if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This actually happens.

The next step once they pay for their papers and get their status as LEGAL immigrants strightened out, the next step is to learn English.  Trust me it will ONLY HELP them.  They don’t talk the talk, they ain’t gonna walk the walk.  We already know the stubborn grandma is goign to speak only in spanish when she’s at home anyway so it will help the younger adults and kids to learn english early on so they can be bi-lingual which is very handy these days.  It seriously impresses most dumb Americans who can barely speak English.  Then there’s the whole perpetuation deal… the reason they are still coming over here is because Mexico sucks.  If we took all the billions of dollars that we were thinking of spending on that hilariously xenophobic fence/wall/castle/moat/minefield/electric dog collar force field and spent it on making Mexico stronger, maybe all these people would think twice about coming here?  I know you’re thinking "Oh yeah right!  Let’s just take all this money and toss it to Mexico!  Then all the rich people will use it to line their pockets and not use it for what we wanted them to to improve all the things that make Mexico suck!"  Not if we give ’em the what for and take a portion of land equal to the value of the money we gave them until they change their mind and decide to spend it right.  I’m all

for owning Baja for a couple years.  Look, Mexico is our neighbor.  They’re sort of our friends, meaning that despite all the opportunities they’ve had they haven’t attacked us since 1826 when Santa Anna was defeated at San Jacinto.  That’s 180 years, dude.  We can either trust them to take our gift and make the most of it, or we can kick thier ass in a friendly sort of way and intervene to MAKE them spend it right.  The point is we HAVE to fix up Mexico.  You dont’ see Canadians fleeing in droves across the northern border to escape the ex-French crazies who want free health care for everyone and equal rights for gays and everyone else do you?  NO!  Because Canada is pretty fuckin’ cool.  In so many ways.  If Canada and the United States switched places on the map, all the Mexicans would be going to Canada.  But there you have it.  That’s how we fix the illegal immigration problem.  We remove the desire to illegally immigrate.  I’m done.  Time to play video games.