invasion? hah! Texas is safe.

First of all I’d like to say that I was only able to record 2 of the songs I wrote for chistmas because of these allergies making my voice sore and deep.  I sing them in a deep voice anyway so they came out better because of it.  now all I need is someone to tell me how to start posting them on my diary.  😛  Any help?

Well… as you may or may not know, there have been marches on the streets of Pakistan calling for the death of America.  Not to worry, this will never happen.  My fellow humans; in light of current events, and impending war with several other countries including but not limited to Pakistan, Iran, Bolivia, and China, I thought that it would be prudent of me to reassure my fellow Texans that our great state will never fall to any invading force.  Ever.  Allow me to list the reasons why:

1)  Texas is inarguably the most fiercely independant state ever in the 214 or so years thatour nation has existed.  Historically we have repelled so many invasions that is makes my brain hurt to try to count them.  Suffice it to say, we know how to defend ourselves.  We live here and we know the terrain, and we are too stubborn to give it up.

2)  Every last blessed on of us has a gun.  Hah!  Any invading force would not be fighting a single army of hundreds of thousands of troops funded by the government, but entire state (that is larger than France) of pissed off Texans.  Millions of them.

3)  Half of Louisianna is relocated here as well.  Most of these people happen to be black.  Blacks have a long and painfully recent history of being persecuted for their ethnicity alone, and should anyone even presume to put them BACK into a position of oppression for being Americans after all the hard won progressthey’ve made has got another infinitely more painful reality coming.

4)  Hispanics are an ever growing part of our state.  Let’s face it people.  Mexican have huge families.  They breed like Catholic rabbits.  Historically, Mexicans have been able to swarm and overwhelm enemies with sheer numbers.  Anyone who remembers the Alamo knows this.  (just for reference, Santa Anna led about 2000 Mexicans against the Texans, and though they took heavy casualties, they finally overwhelmed the 200 Texans guarding the Alamo.)  They’re like fire ants.  Plus we’ve got lots of Mexico’s toughest, sneakiest, and most athletic here illegally so essentially it would be like starting a war with Mexico too.

5)  Then of course we got some of the scariest white folks around.  Evangelical Christians, rednecks, and the KKK fill this state to the seams.  I almost feel sorry for the suckers who get the job of clearing out the piney East Texas woodlands, where the rednecks are more than happy to pop out from behind trees and cornhole them until they die.  And, well… the KKK already hates non-whites, and whites who even associate with non-whites.  tsk tsk tsk.

6)Most of the countries that hate us enough to invade do not quite have the diversity of climate and wildlife as we.  They don’t have mosquitos the size of demonic piñatas, or evil ninja ticks from hell, or so many ants they actually out-WEIGH the human population.  They’d all soon die of typhoid, pneumonia, malaria, lyme disease, Montezuma’s revenge (diarrhea), the plague, and of course, allergies.  Everyone in Texas knows that you get allergies here.  Except them.

7)  This, of course, is all assuming that whatever army got here, fought their way past the Navy, the Marines, The Coast Guard, The National Guard, and the Border Patrol to get to either the Texas coastline, or the coastline of a nearby state, and then proceeded to fight their way D-day style onto a beach guarded by the Air Force, the Army, AND all the Texas militias, PLUS all the groups I mentioned before and still had enough steam and troops to GET to Texas.  That would be a VERY cool trick.  Anyone who manages this should get a Scooby-Snack.

8)  Ruh-roh!  What about nuclear weapons?  First of all, let me point out that America STILL has enough nukes to level every inch of livable land on the planet.  Maybe I’m not too clear on the physics of a blast that size but it seems to me that a bajillion megaton explosion would be sufficient to fry or detonate any incoming missiles before they land.  Fallout and radiation is much easier to clean up than a burned out shell of a city.  Not to mention much less fatal.  Even if one does get through…. the offending nation would simply cease to exist.  In one blinding flash.  Sorry about the radiation cloud, neighbors, but you understand.  The same applies to nookyooler weapons and WMDs.  No they are not the same thing.

9)  The rumors are true.  YES everything is bigger in Texas.  Our meals are bigger, our pools are bigger, our property is bigger, our cows’ horns are bigger, our dicks are bigger, our sky is bigger, our egos are bigger, and our guns are bigger.  I fully expect to see some crazy bastard with an explosive round anti-tank cannon mounted to the back of his modded civilian Hummer.  Even the people here are bigger.  Our Mexicans grow to unusual sizes.  The average height for female Texans is no less than 7 feet tall.  Honest.  We just have bigger rulers.  On our TVs Tom Cruise is Life size.  It would be like stepping on ants.  Which we are very good at.

10) We havea  saying here, and though most people such as Yankees seem to think that this only applies to litter, it is actually a much more inclusive phrase.  Don’t Mess With Texas.  Or we will kill you ded.  We consider killing shit a sport here.  We’ve actually got a serious RUNNING DEBATE on when (not if) it’s OK to kill retards.  We’ve proudly put many innocent people to execution, only to "discover" years later that they were actually innocent.  Oops.  Let’s go kill more people.  Yee-fucking-HAW!  We’d honestly have NO problems dealing with anyone foolish enough to take us on.

And so you see… there’s nothing to worry about.  All of our troops can come home and we can worry much less.  Texas will save the day.  dammit.  Of course now I have to write the reasons why Texas doesn’t rule the world… next time though.  byebye!