not a good place

i resented being with the girl i loved and now that she’s gone i resent pushing her away through not knowing myself enough to keep her. Why is it we don’t know we’re stading until we fall. I took my heart for granted until it was ripped out and only now that its gone do i appreciate what it did for me. she says we’re here at this place so i can become who i need to be, but you find yourself in company of those you love. And when the one i love most i pushed away, how can i find myself until i find her heart again? I cry myself to sleep every night and for the first time in my life, i can sympathize with all those teen "cutters". I am one… maybe not in action, but through thought and desire. I put, no not some measly blade, i put the knife agaist my arm until… until… i feel it enough to know i can’t go further. Am i too weak to bleed or too strong to die? I must not want to die because if i did, i wouldn’t still be here. But right now i don’t want to live so where does that put me? a zombie… a ghost… i’m but an empty shell of my former self. i’m here, but i’m not. i smile but inside i’m so hollow, so ashamed, so torn by the mistakes i’ve made and love i’ve lost.