bottle of blues

love her. i really do. and it’s so strong it makes me cry sometimes. which is why it hurts so much to see her hold her fiancee’s hand, utter his name, talk about her wedding plans… love someone other than me. i write a lot of love poetry and such and i say i’m just creative, pull it out of the air, but really …90% is hers. it’s fierce. sometimes i just want to crawl into a ball. beck says it perfectly in “bottle of blues”: “ain’t it hard, ain’t it hard to want somebody who doesn’t want you.” she is my best friend. i would, and to the best of my ability do, anything for this girl. but i’m in denial if i think i still have a chance. i can’t even really find the words i want and i like to think when it comes to writing i’m never speechless. pain really is all i feel. she doesn’t want me and it hurts. of course i’m happy for her. she’s found the life with someone else that i wanted with her. i can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, though, even perhaps dissappointed… “why wasn’t i good enough?!” and i look at this fiancee of hers. what a lucky lucky man. oh to be in his shoes. to have her love! but alas, with all that being said… i am coping. the love isn’t disappearing but something else is. like maybe i’m happier for her and her relationship than i am sad for my heartbreak. i don’t know. but the pain is lessening and as time goes, i’m thinking of her more as a sister than as “i-wish-she-were-my-soulmate.” i’m letting it happen, i don’t think i was before. like i was holding on so tightly “SHE WILL LOVE ME SOMEDAY!” and she does love me, just not how i wanted. and i can’t turn away a good friendship because i wanted something more.

in truth, haha, after i’ve said all this about one girl… another is slowly creeping into my mind more and more. and i like it. i’m not so broken by one that i can’t feel for another. and this other, our bond is strengthening. i love her. i know i do. but the greeks had so many words to distinguish between the types of love. brotherly love, neighborly love, parental love, romantic love. what is this love that i feel? it’s a mixture of all the above. but is it possible after caring so intensely for someone else? or rather, can i feel something just as strong for someone else? will i ever be able to let it go? i’m trying, i really am. i do really love this girl, but i what i feel for her isn’t quite what i felt for the other. does that mean it’s not real? or perhaps  that it is just as strong and i’m denying it because i’m mortified she’ll find a fiancee as well and it won’t be me. a second heartbreak of such magnitude cannot be healthy.