too little too late

Nov 3 i drove downtown to a place called Stillwater and had several beers with Laine and her two lesbian friends Britnee and Claire. Britnee asked me if i’d ever kissed a black girl and if i would want to; i said hypothetically yes.

Britnee, being black, seemed disappointed. so i grabbed her hand drew her towards me and we made out for like a minute. i should’ve asked for the approval of her girlfriend Claire. we were all about 4 beers deep and i’m not sure she reacted favorably at all. i would really like to hang out with them again.

Laine was cool too; we’re both huge liberals and we’re both teachers, so we had a lot in common. i just don’t find her attractive. after kissing drunkenly for a minute she gasps and say "i’m really attracted to you." put on the spot, i said something stupid in return like "i like making out with you." she said "that’s not the response i was looking for."

it’s sad. this girl seems to really like me but i can’t reciprocate. i’m just really lonely.

…

at my job the semester is almost over. tonight i gave my students a super easy reading quiz, which most failed miserably. after 2 of them failed the super easy reading test i banged my head on the dry erase board 4 times. these kids just don’t read. i told my Intro students that if they don’t read the assignment for next i would kill myself.

my Existentialism students seem more engaged. we’re reading Heidegger and the heady Metaphysics is quite difficult. we’re trying to unravel the meaning of the question of Being and it’s quite deep.

i don’t write more because i’m going through some heady shit right now. step 4 of AA asks us "to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". so far i have

sloth, envy, gluttony, pride, lust, deceit, vanity, cowardice, selfishness, refusal to accept responsibility, resentfulness, self-pity, snobbishness, and an inability to take joy in anything..

.. by the way, i’ve become totally infatuated with Burial these last few weeks. i can’t seem to get enough of his slow version of UK garage, 2 step, whatever…

Untrue and Kindred are like the greatest pieces of music ever. i googled "artists like burial" and got jack shit.

…

for xmas i’m asking for money to come visit my awesome NY friends. specifically you, Lauren.

farine

November 30, 2012

Your list of self realizations – word. You coming to visit – awesome sauce.

ELF Radio

I’ve never kissed a black girl either. It’s probably fun. Kids these days really don’t read, do they. Starting now, even the nerdy kids are going to see the Lord of the Rings movies, see funny youtube clips involving hobbits, and read hobbit references on Fark. But are they ever going to actually sit down and read Lord of the Rings? Or anything else? And when they do, are they goingto be anything but bored?

Ashleigh bin Field

December 8, 2012

Liberals never have experience with other races. they are all talk, no action. Unlike the “evil” Conservative with a black boyfriend —->

r: i saw mount kimbie right after hurricane sandy! bonobo and squarepusher were the headliners i love joy orbison. have you heard his remix of four tet’s love cry? james blake i’ve heard of too, though something about his stuff i find irritating. a little too whiny and repetitive. tyler went through a james blake phase and i quickly tired of it. i must have had there’s a limit to yourlove stuck in my head for days. enough to make one insane. i hope quitting facebook doesn’t include instagram as well?

and the 30yrs old loser thing. sorry, i didn’t express it very well. what i meant is that we grow up in an environment where there’s this extreme stigma about being that person… (confederacy of dunces???) and now that i’m nearing that age, i can see how easily that could be me. if i weren’t with tyler i’d definitely have to move my broke ass home.

also, for reference. i probably won’t be back here til late february. even march. we’ll see.

helena everything

December 14, 2012

oh my dear. i respect people who want to get help but AA… i have such mixed feelings about. do you really want to relinquish all responsibility for yourself and give your soul over to god? :