Speaking my Mind in the Moment.

Maybe I should write something too. Maybe something sensible or maybe something senseless. All these senseless things, however judgmental I may come off as, are opinions and ideas floating around with no backbone. It’s dawned on me how ridiculous it is not to discuss ridiculous things considering where we’ve come.

I could start with people this and people that… but the truth is, it’s gotten me nowhere, personally. I know this because it’s come to be the narrative and observing that, from my own perspective, is like watching a chicken banging itself against a wall, repeatedly, painfully. I’ve been that chicken.

Where am I in this life? Not exactly where I should be, just a feeling.

I don’t know or understand my power. Whatever it maybe, I do see glimpses of it in others. This part is hard to explain. Incase you don’t know, my power just means my capabilities, just saying so you don’t go banging your head against a wall.

I hear people say things all the time, things I agree with and things I don’t. I feel as if I stopped caring about certain things or maybe it’s the feeling of these moments that have been passing me by, recently.

I do love the world, as hurtful as it maybe. I do wish we’d get along, but to say I want everyone to accept each other or to respect each other, I would say that falsely. It would have been more honest of me to say it in the past.

I don’t think the answer to worldly problems is as simple as to accept or respect. I think it’s as simple as love. I don’t respect abusers and in good conscience cannot accept to respect an abuser as he/she is an abuser and have marked themselves as that. It doesn’t mean I hate them and it doesn’t mean I wish them the best, whatever the best maybe to them, you or me. It also doesn’t mean I don’t understand that, “hurt people, hurt people” as they say. I can wish them healing, but it doesn’t mean that’ll happen either, that’s for them to decide.

I could stay and risk myself because I love them. I could walk away too with the same effort. I can love them without being there to show them love. They don’t need to know that I love them. I can walk away showing love for myself.

I’ve spent most of my days being hurt or reeling from hurt. ‘Victim’, I’ve honestly come to feel resentful of this word. I had a role to play in that. I labelled myself that and I left myself powerless.

I’ve learned it’s what I made myself to be, a victim. It was a moment or rather many moments created and I carried the pain of it wherever I went. It was in everything I did. That word took me away from everything that I am and I let that happen.

That word is an anchor of a word. It’s heavy and once you decide that’s what you are, you wear it and the longer you carry it, the more naked you feel without it. There’s no way out of it until you decide to unbecome it. I know I’m not a victim, not anymore, because I say so. I’m just human having human experiences.

Like this letter, the first of its kind for me, because I am human, just like you.

All My Love,

Zee