2nd Entry

I want to be honest here. Anytime I talk about myself or mention myself in any kind of way, I feel selfish and the self loathing starts. I really don’t know what do to about that. It’s why I decided to come on here, where no one knows me. I thought it would be easier but I’m not so sure. I do understand in part why I am the way I am. My past is in my present and my perceptions and thought of the future is also intertwined with the past.

The truth is that the past can haunt you and mine walks along side me. It’s in everything I do, it’s in my behavior, my insecurities and my fears. I’m not a bad person, I do know that at least but I am self-absorbed. It’s something my friends would disagree with but they wouldn’t understand and I don’t necessarily want the pity.

I’m self absorbed when my emotions are in the forefront. Like it’s hard to come out of myself sometimes and all I feel is pain. I’m good at hiding it and faking certain emotions. Like my friend who was happy she got over 2000 followers on Instagram. I wanted to tell her, “I just don’t care”  but I pretended to care and it’s exhausting. To be fair I don’t care about social media that way. I could just be happy for her because she’s happy and try to dig for that feeling but it’s just not there. A lot of little things to me are big to others and the things that mean more to me seem to be less important to others. Different values I guess. When my friend got into her program to become a therapist, I was joyful for her and really excited, that was genuine. I felt that. I wanted to jump up and down hearing that.

But so many times I have to fake feelings when all I want to say is I really don’t care. I hate pretending. I can just let them be happy and listen but for some reason it gets aggravating over time, especially when it’s repetitive. It feels like it physically hurts my ears, although I know it’s in my head.. I analyze every detail of myself. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Hearing people talk about shit that has no meaning for me is like nails dragging across a chalk board. I don’t know why that is. I can’t stand certain noises and sounds, certain touches, and I’m a bit on the OCD side.

I don’t want my past to be the theme of my emotions. I am an emotional person, although I don’t come off that way. I don’t cry in front of others. I have really good people around me who care for me now. I have friends who look up to me and tell me how proud they are of me. I tend to roll my eyes because I feel it’s not true. I also tend to make jokes to bypass or tell my truth without hurting feelings.

I do deal with autoimmune health issues that is severe and I know that affects my mood. I can go from feeling fine to wanting to die just by eating a chocolate bar. I am very health conscious and that has helped tremendously but there’s other things. Things I haven’t been able to get passed even with therapy.

My past wasn’t easy, I was humiliated and beaten almost daily. I learned not to cry from a young age because that only made the beatings worse. I grew up in a ultra religious family, which borderlines on a cult mentality. I do love my family. I feel like I have to say this as not to deter myself from the truth regardless of my experience with them.

For years, I’ve held everything in and I’m not so sure if my buried emotions didn’t cause my health issues.

Today I am free from my past from a physically stand point. Different county, different State, but my body remembers, my emotions remember, and my mind remembers and from that respect it can feel like I never escaped at all.