oh boy. (pt. 2)

Okay, well, I guess that ultimatums are kinda good sometimes?

Right?

Anyway, with boy, I decided that I couldn’t maintain a FWB friendship without causing serious damage to my emotional growth/solidarity and so I decided (somehow) that I couldn’t see him anymore unless it was in a ‘we’re in a relationship’ context.  And so I sent him a text.

How 2010 of me.

Anyway, I was greeted with an all caps [WTF!?], followed shortly by a [please call me]

So I called him, and we talked, and gave voice the many implications of our relationship; the social implications of our ‘kind’ of relationship, the ‘vast’ differences in our respective financial situations, the protocols to take regarding sexual situations, and various other dry, college psych book sections.  All of this resulted us becoming ‘boyfriends’

This is just an aside, but I feel like I must expound on this subject.  While we were talking, I came to understand an intrinsic difference in the connotations attached to the word ‘boyfriend’ that we each held.  His being that ‘boyfriend’ was a decision requiring much more deliberation and pondering, etc. especially considering the gravity of such a label, and mine being that ‘boyfriend’ was more of a testing the waters, high-school kind of ‘lets give this a shot’ kind of mentality.  I believe this difference was caused, in part, by the age difference and resulting world-views, but I think that more of it has to do with the sociological implications and cultural signifance of the word ‘boyfriend’ amongst the gay community.  In short, ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ has much more gravity in the LGBT community.  Considering that marriage is largely illegal for gays and lesbians, ‘gender-friend’ has come to equate itself with marriage for many, and the implications of this are far reaching.  According to my understanding, the mental health of the LGBT community is fraught with addiction and various other self-destructive habits.  The prejudice and discrimination that exists perpetuates and fosters the growth of these ‘problems’.  I believe the lack of a ‘marraige’ equivalent for the LGBT crowd places unrealistic expectations on the formation of ‘gender-friend’ relationships and ultimately contributes to the "rampant psychological dysfunction" because forming a relationship as a gay dude already has enough shit that comes along with it, and I got too much to think about let alone fucking think about marrying this guy just yet.

I don’t think I’m over-analyzing on that one, to boot.

Anyway, so we figured out this fundamental ‘difference’ in our definition and came to an understanding.  the one was my definition yay.  but I think it was healthy, because skepticism is a healthy way to get into a relationship (in my opinion).  Going into it with a ‘well.  fuck it – let’s do this’ mentality helps mitigate unrealistic expectations and has a healthier reaction to other things that may come about.  Because , let’s face it – Love grows with time (generally) and all ‘being in love’ means is that you wouldn’t mind spending a really long amount of time seeing that person’s ugly mug for a long long time.

God, I’m bitter. =)

Anyway, so we’re dating now, but I think I’m either crazy or incredibly perceptive.  His behavior has changed, definitely, to more reflect regarding me as his ‘boyfriend’, but I doubt his motives.  I am hyper sensitive to motive, and I think I may have caught a glimpse of "I’ll just tell this naive boy that we’re dating so I can finally fuck him" in his unconscious behaviors.  Also, people have told me that i’ve been burnt before and that I need to think people are more innocent and less diabolical.  So either I’m paranoid and he’s playing me, or I’m not paranoid and he’s playing me.  Then again, I could be paranoid [read – crazy] and it could turn into something more anyway.

With any luck, it’s that last one.  I’m taking things slow, and so far, I don’t mind his ugly mug.