No smoking.

Well, I finally found out my start date – march 16th at 7 am – so it’s good that I know that the job is actually a job now.  I’m really happy to have found a job – I kind of have this massive inferiority complex which really fucks with my head.

Anyway, onto the more intense part of this entry.  I have ten dollars in my pocket.  I have another ten dollars in my checking account.  I have about 1 dollar in cans I can return.  I have to last two weeks for food and travel and whatnot.  Considering that the bus to and from work will be a total of 14 dollars for the first two weeks, I have seven dollars I can use for food and other things I might want to spend money on.  

Like cigarettes.

So I’m officially quitting smoking as of right now.  Yesterday, I didn’t smoke any cigarettes, as kind of a platform to psych myself up over this ‘ceasing’ of ‘tobacco’.  But it wasn’t to psych myself up at all.  I just didn’t want to leave my house because I was afraid of the environmental triggers that would come into play that I am absolutely horrible at resisting – I didn’t even eat anything yesterday.  Today, however, I have cooked a grilled cheese and have errands that I must run (and not take the bus while I run them) and I’m afraid to go outside because I will stupidly spend 5 and 1/2 of my 7 dollars on a pack of cigarettes I don’t need and won’t enjoy (because I’m taking chantix and because I know that by buying it I will be forsaking food for the next two weeks).  I am really nervous about this challenge.  I have taken a food inventory and this is what I have come up with.

I have 3 cans of ravioli, 4 cans of spaghettios, enough bread and cheese and butter for 4 grilled cheeses, and about 5 packs of macaroni and cheese.  that all together is 16 meals.  over 14 days.

fuck my life.

I think when I go to the store, I will buy milk, eggs, bread, and then ramen with whatever I have left over.  *sigh*

I always do this to myself.  I am a masochist, it seems.