kill a drunk with a katana
I remember very clearly the last time I felt this uncomfortable; a friend of mine was so drunk that I didn’t know if he was going to go berserk on me ( he didn’t attack anyone that particular night, but as it turned out, he did when we were hanging out later on that year… Yay booze! Anyway…) ….oh yeah – – berserk on me and the only weapon that relieved my stress was a Katana. Heh, I write ‘the only weapon’ as though there was a smorgasbord of weapons that I went through – HAH! Mace? No… LaZer gun…? Not this one…. !! – a Fucking Katana! – yeah this is working – – I already feel my blood pressure dropping.
rrgh stay on topic!
So I go outside to do an online draft of Magic: The Gathering. So, I step outside and I notice that there’s someone standing in the driveway. I incorrectly identify them, but luckily I didn’t say a name, so it could come across as a lackluster interaction preface. sure. anyway, I immediately realize that it’s my new roommate (he lives on the first floor, and I live in the basement, so when I say roommate – it’s like, he’s far away – think distant relative… distant roommate)
And we’re similar in age, and appearance and, assumedly, socioeconomic status.
The interaction went right as rain…
until something switched. I don’t think that I overshared. I think that he was drunk. I’ll admit that I was talking about controlling large groups of people and manipulating them to serve some arbitrary purpose, but that’s just what I do to pass the time. I’m not trying to control the friendship. To be perfectly honest, your behavior tonight reminded me why I can’t drink, because I was really made uncomfortable by the errors in your perception and the suspicion with which you viewed me. There was no reason for that element to develop, and even if it somehow arose through freak chance, it wasn’t advanced enough to warrant your escalation. I was afraid of you. I was genuinely afraid of you. So thanks, I guess, since I’ll be going outside less often to smoke under the pretense that a cigarette could involve an interaction consisting of an eerily familiar conversation that I’ve had with myself a bunch of times.
it goes something like this –
"I don’t like what I’m doing, and it doesn’t make me happy" insanity
"what would make you happy?" Sanity
"something that, for all intents and purposes, is essentially the same as what I’m doing now" insanity
"that doesn’t make sense – why don’t you like it, then?" Sanity
"Stop trying to bring me down – I see how you’re manipulating the situation and trying to control me." insanity
(self-soothing-superiority complex mini-monologue; "and that’s a good strategy because I’m weak minded as evidenced by my defensiveness when the situatiion gets even remotely close to ‘controlled’ in any sense of the word, and I’m drunk so I’m impressionable and my protests or disagreement aren’t justifiable’
sorry – my heart is making the uncomfortable beat.
Thank God I woke up (from my insanity – well, most of it). Thank you, even though I don’t think you scientifically exist as an entity. I do definitely recognize you as a tool that I can use to supplement my upbringing by your ability to make things profoundly significant, or symbolic, though, so yeah.
the sun is definitely underappreciated.
I mean, I don’t even care if I don’t capitalize it.
*grin*
You (Kyle) are going to be a constant reminder of the nightmare I was building. Thank you – I needed this affirmation to realize that there is a point to all this – and it’s to make people feel good, and it’s to do the best that we can with what little time we got. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you will be performing your karmic function. I’m afraid of death, but I at least wanna figure out how to live a little little bit longer – and you, well, you’re the walking dead.
and so was I.