Iknow EXACTLY what I have to do……

so I’m drunk right now.
(that’s the extent of the preface)

I am so utterly (feel, Jannon, Feel) angry at the world.  I am so fucking mad.  This ‘world’ has let me down in more ways than I can count, to be perfectly honest.  I should NOT have lived with my mother.  AT ALL.  DURING ANY POINT OF MY UPBRINGING.  *sigh*

but that’s the past.  And the legal system abides by certain codes/principles that must be upheld (namely the amount of time the judge has to analyze and discern the functionality of the participants in said court system).  So I can’t fault the world, because it has to work somehow – and despite all of the inefficiencies intrinsic to the system, it does its job pretty darn well.  Except in my case, which is a primary contributory factor towards my misanthropy.  I have mommy issues.

I know that I have these issues – the extent of which I have not even begun to fathom despite my quasi-fanatical overanalysis of essentially every event and experience I have.  To be perfectly honest, it’s paralyzing.  I’m so afraid.  I’m afraid that I will never be able to rise above what I learned during my formative years.  That I’m damaged.  That I’m broken.  An irreparable human, constrained by what ‘he’s’ seen and learned.

I’m never going to be able to rise above this socialization.

And I have factual evidence to support this viewpoint – According to what I learned in my ‘psych’ classes, generally, personalities solidify and are generally ‘non-plastic’ past the age of 25, short of a near-death experience, of course.

Near death experiences are pretty powerful, I guess.

I want one.

I’m afraid.  It’s intimidating and UNCOMFORTABLE to attempt to ‘undo’ all of my socialization.  to become 4 years old again.  to see the world with such unhurt, trusting, hopeful, happy, fascinated, excited eyes. 

I’m afraid of light.