Disco Stick

I wanna take a ride on your Disco Stick.

Anyway, I’m going to be hanging out with boy today.  It should be interesting, because I asked him to think about the state of our relationship and what he really means to me, and what I really mean to him and all that junk.  I’m pretty nervous about it, though, because mostly I don’t know how I’ll react if he says that he decided that we can’t be in a relationship.  I really like him, and I really enjoy his company and all that kitty foo-foo stuff that tends to go along with the blooming of a relationship.  But it’s true, and I like feeling this way.  It’s novel, and reminds me of the starts of other relationships.  It’s good to know that I’m not dead inside.

So I applied to PSU yesterday, I think, and I’m super fucking excited to even be courting the thought of going back to school.  I remember when I was drinking that thought would not have ever crossed my mind – I was just too wrapped up in the pointlessness of it all that I forgot that I actually have time on this planet to do with what I please, which is a fucking gift, y’all. 

My life has changed so much since I first moved out here, it’s incredible.  I got 8 months sober, which was an amazing experience, then I relapsed and realized that I needed to get everything out of my system, and as a result, stopped snorting my speed.  The anxiety that I felt immediately after stopping the pills was remarkable because I realized how close to my sense of self taking amphetamines was.  I also thought that I was not going to be even a marginally functional member of society, and so feared immediate termination of employment. 

This led to an epiphany relating to the concept of being ‘mediocre’

and while, generally, I don’t like the idea of being mediocre, I also realized that it’s entirely alright to be just decent.  To not be the 150% speed taking me that was there before.  That as long as I’m above the 50% line, I’m okay.  and even if I’m below that 50% line, it’s still alright because I’m only human.

Yay sober me.