well, this seems kinda strange.

I am officially hitting my stride in school.

I’m fucking studying for the tests, attending the fucking classes, and doing my damnedest to do the work outside of class – (however, I don’t really need to read it, since I’m so bright durrrrr). This has led to good grades on my tests, and a resulting increase in self esteem and self-efficacy. I had not encountered a scholastic environment without amphetamines before this semester, and if the fast few months have been any indicator, I am NOT INVALID WITHOUT SPEED. This is a good thing. I have even been talking with the teachers during their office hours, posting on the online discussion boards, and trying to keep up to date with when tests are. I am not OCD on top of things like I was when I was tweaking… (Note to self – find a different word for being on speed than ‘tweaking’, but still similarly negatively connotated). But I have been doing decently, which is remarkably better than what I thought I could do.

I have also lapsed on working out, and eating breakfast, and my sleep schedule is similarly skewed, but I think that all of those things are sort of okay, since my priorities in life had a major upheaval/rearrangement when I started school, and they’re balancing out decently well. I also signed up for school really late, so I wasn’t exactly able to get the class schedule I wanted. Now that I”m somewhat on top of things, I can sign up for classes and plan out my schedule infinitely better than I did the last time I registered. I’m thinking I can incorporate working out, eating breakfast, and my sleep schedule into my class schedule, so it’s ironic that all of these disruptions are seeming to be as a direct result of my attending school.

I’m actually really happy that I just realized that!

Bill B is still dead – surprise, surprise. I received a lot of platonic, superficial support, which i am grateful for. I imagine that all the support is going to seem superficial since this is an intensely personal process (grieving) and not many people can exactly relate to what I’m going through. It’s still nice that they try, however stunted/inadequate their capacity might be.

Also, my room has fallen into somewhat of disrepair, and I’d like to change that. I’d also like to just sign up for a damn vipassana retreat. I’d also like to sign up for the motorcycle training class. I’d also like to set up my forwarding address from dennis’ old place to my new one. I’d also like to put air in my tires. Money management, also, is proving a thing to be endeavored.

I’m going through a pretty cataclysmic change in my life, so I’m okay with all of the things that have fallen by the wayside. I mean, I’m both okay, and not okay. It’s a strange place to be relationally in regards to habits I was so excited for before. I’m still excited about the adaptations and adjustments I’ve made regarding school, so there’s still general life excitement, but my lapsing in these other areas is creating some discord, and I’m judging my progress with a harsher eye. I would like to get back to the unconditional positive regard for myself I so haphazardly embraced when I was in treatment that has allowed for all of these changes. I do okay at it, I suppose. It’s all a process, and I’m doing just fine, realistically.

=) It’s good to be good. It’s good that I can reinforce myself positively for things in a temporally disjointed way. I’m glad that I can conceptualize an extraperceptual (I’m making that a word) infrastructure and integrate theoretical and applied knowledge into it, resulting in a self-governing, self-rewarding, SELF-TEACHING capacity to manifest itself in me.

Fuck, I’m a badass.