this might be the whole problem

I haven’t written in a hella long time! and it’s all for selfish things. I mean, noone I know really reads this thing anymore (I think), and yet I’m somehow still filtered. whatever.

I wanted to type out this text message I sent to grant, because I think it captures eloquently the insidious nature of booze.

I just… I dunno. I wanna go dancing, and flirt with guys and feel pretty and hook up and have silly regretful mornings after, and have prettily colored ice-cold beverages with posh people with really white teeth in the shade of some expensive umbrella on the ocean-side pool deck of some 5-star hotel that I started and built from the ground up. And I want to take a shot before I wipe my face and trudge off to do something masculine and necessary and heroic as the hush the film score and fade to black. I want to sip wines with. Fuck it. Rghhhhhh.

then

feeling somewhat better. My room is trashed, indicative of my internal state. I’m gonna take tomorrow off from school and do some soul searching. Maybe motorcycle to a waterfall and take a nap in the sun/spotted shade?

then

I dunno. Also have an impending feeling of doom since it’s starting to get close to finals time, and I’m behind. I’m gonna be alright, because I always fucking am, but I still get the existential thrashing about in the throes of inertia.

then

I guess being sick really throws ya off, eh? I also haven’t showered in 4 days and am laying in a bed of my own sweat blankets, so I feel a bit like I’m in a third world country, you know, minus the iPhone and clean drinking water and electricity. But on the plus side, I’m growing my beard out and it seems to be rustic and handsome? I dunno. I’ll have to see it after I put on clean clothes after a shower before I decide.

thennnnnn

I walked to the gym, did 15 minutes of cardio, 5-10 minutes of sauna (hey – I’ve been sick!), walked home, feeling great (Since I got down to 187!!!!), and am currently doing my laundry. Class is still undecided because I don’t have anything due in either class, so it could be a motorcycle waterfall recalibration day. I think that’s the one that I’d really like to do. yeah.

decide in the morning, though.