Survival of the Fittest.

Well…. everyone who died is still technically dead… so there’s no new news on that front there.

On other notes, I have been living my way past finals week. It has proven very difficult and stressful, and I’m acknowledging that it’s being as such. I’m really lucky that I have so many people who seem to have a vested interest in watching me succeed. It’s nice – because the schoolweek is filled with school and all that weekly stuff, and the weekends are basically decompression chambers – I sleep a ton, I eat a lot of good food (NEW FOODS, TOO!), and I work out and spend it assessing my progress. I mean, not that I don’t assess my progress continually, it’s just kind of nice to do it in a retrospective fashion.

I am still keeping score, which is something I’d like to stop doing. I mean, I am feeling even more indebted to certain people, like when we go out to eat and stuff. I’m just gonna have to be mindful of that stuff, and ask to receive reality checks and whatnot. Not an insurmountable problem.

I’ve been really looking forward to the future, lately, which is very… fucking… weird. I’m getting teary eyed thinking about it. I never regarded the future with any reverence or positive anticipation. This is incredible, and I feel really luck that my perspective somehow changed. Anyway…

I’ve been really looking forward to the future lately. This is so nice to just revel in, and shut my eyes, and let my head tilt back – a little towards the sky, and just smile – letting the acceptance and happiness of my current situation just wash over me in waves – truly savoring each drop of happy that I’m afforded in this life. I’m actually happy MOST OF THE TIME now. This is so remarkable, I can’t quite articulate it. it’s so strange… but good. amazing.

Anyway, I’m excited to be able to set up a school schedule that will allow the rest of my schedule to balance itself out. When this happens, it will be a lot easier to work on my awesome. I have been referring to my awesome a lot lately – and I think it’s the thing that benefits whenever I am consciously working on myself. My overall awesome. Anyway, it will be nice to be able to sleep consistently, eat consistently, exercise consistently, and all that other stuff consistently. It will be another page in the fucking book, and that’s awesome.

I’m starting to see how things are getting more and more out of my control. Like, I’m getting further and further away from the outside world, and closer and closer to my own internal garden. So, it’ll be easier to incorporate things into my routine once what I actually do starts to resemble a routine to the definition more. This is so nice. I just ate, so that’s probably the source of all of my lovey-dovey stuff. and I’m okay with that.

J-