Putting out Fires.

I guess that I am so used to putting out fires that I don’t know what to do with myself when there are no fires to put out. My first inclination is to start some, but that doesn’t make sense from a rational, cognitive perspective. However, I don’t think that most of what I do is cognitive. I think I’m starting fires for no reason to give myself something to do. I have officially reversed my sleep schedule (reversed, yo), and am procrastinating to the point of panic attack in regards to school. I’m trying to think of other things that I’m doing that are undermining my own peace of mind, but I can’t think of any right now.

My room is decently clean, and I’m starting to journal more, so that’s good. I also have NOT been to the gym in a while, which is causing me some distress. I have skipped a few classes, but that doesn’t seem to be that horrible, since I am passing all of my classes somehow (90%, 83%, and a B+ in Learning, Health Psych, and Philosophy respectively), which is fucking awesome! I don’t need speed to live life! HOLY SHIT HOW AWESOME IS THAT! MY BIGGEST FEAR IN LIFE IS SLOWLY DISSOLVING!

I plan on just keeping myself in high regards with… myself. I have been regarding myself with the same respect and gentleness that I did when I first got sober, and I must say, it is INFINITELY better than the beration I would regularly undergo when I was all self-critical and shit. It has made a lot of things that would regularly require addressing not need addressing at all! trivial things are trivial, and serious things don’t happen very often.

My landlord is still incredibly clingy, and I think I have a dual role according to him- I am tenant and one of the few friends he has in portland. Thing is, he’s rather clingy and annoying and difficult to interact with. I’m going to have to remember to just be myself instead of falling into a familiar pattern of analyzing him and trying to predict what he wants me to be and then trying to be that. It’s gonna be strange, and a process, but I’ve got a lot of things that I’m doing that for, and I’ve seen some success, so I think I may accomplish something else that’s positive in this whole thing. OH! Basically, the number of ‘buds’ I’ve been ‘nipping’ is increasing. It’s kind of intimidating – I’m turning into someone rather functional, and it’s strange. I’m noticing things that I’ve neglected and am all like ‘oh, I’ve gotta do that’, and then I do that, and then there’s something else I have to do. Like, keeping my room clean, attending meetings, doing laundry, keeping my amenities and necessities stocked, eating when I’m hungry, sleeping enough (which is becoming a bit of an endeavor), going to classes, doing the reading for classes, paying my bills, going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, trying to read books a little bit on the side, figuring out what I ‘*like* to do, Unpacking, interacting with others as best I can in a genuine way….

There’s a lot more I’m doing now than when I was first starting rehab! I’ve been hearing from a lot of people that I’ve shown incredible ‘Growth’, lately, and I haven’t really seen it myself, but when I type all that stuff out myself I realize that yes, I HAVE come a long way. That’s so intense. SO FUCKING INTENSE!

I have a lot of things that I’d like to do, too! and I’m not beating myself up as much as I would otherwise if I don’t get them accomplished. Like, I’d like to get my money more under my control. I’d like to go to Conduit and dance more frequently. I’d like to do my homework in a more timely fashion. That’s really it right now. I mean, Aside from that, there are contingent things I want to do. Once I’m physically able, I want to, etc.

Things are good. Better than I remember them being in a long, long time. This is nice.

J-