mid-course correction

Hello.

I am currently doing some mid-course correction.

These past few days have been very…. intense. I mean, I’ve had some experiences that were so completely profound, that I can’t believe that I had them. I very much feel like I’ve peeled back another layer of the onion at this point, you know – jumped up another level of the introspection skyscraper. or something.

I had too much nyquil again. I ended up calling my Dad, shaking and crying. I told him completely what was going on – (as I have with almost everyone I personally and intimately interface with in recovery) and he provided some incredibly comforting words of wisdom and perspective. He went back to his early days in sobriety and compared them to mine, giving me a perspective that I haven’t had yet. He mentioned that cough medicine seems like a reasonable last ‘drug’ because it’s sold in stores, purposed to make you feel better, societally acceptable to buy, among other things. He mentioned that I was doing so well in so many other areas, that he would be quite concerned if I *wasn’t* having some issue, and remarked that it seemed, to him, completely reasonable for me to be where I was at that moment in time.

Makes me think of the AA saying about everything being exactly how it was supposed to be.

I had a few days of massive insomnia, which is why the nyquil was purchased. After I had the conversation with my dad, something within me woke up. I am no longer buying nyquil. I have 3 days without it so far. However, to reshape the behavior, I have started taking diphenhydramine tablets which also have acaetiminophen or however you spell it in them. This is a big step up from nyquil because I am no longer taking amounts of acaetominophen or whatever that are classified as toxic and requiring immediate medical assistance. What I’m doing is a harm reduction technique that is relatively similar in behavioral chains, so all I have to do is change the thing that I reach for on the shelf at the last second. I find this very effective and a shining example of applying what I learned in my college behavioral analysis class.

anyway, since I started doing that alternate behavior, my sleep has been remarkably easy. It’s so fucking awesome. I had forgotten how good it felt to sleep well and enough such that I was elated upon awakening. I have currently slept a respectable amount of time each night for the last 3 days – essentially since I stopped taking nyquil.

I also have been practicing riding on my motorcycle. It is a meditative, transcendent experience for me, and I absolutely love it. I don’t yet have my license, so all I am doing is riding around sauvie’s island with Grant. It’s still marvelous.

Oh, speaking of Grant, I really like him. He and I have been having exceptionally engaging and informative paradigm shifting exchanges that I very much adore. We are also establishing some tacit rituals and habits that are very good. We go out to eat pretty regularly, and I have started to trust him enough for me to order things that are massively outside of my comfort zone. I am eating calimari among other things, without the fear and trepidation I would usually have in such situations. Grant is a really good influence on me, and I am lucky to have him in my life.

I have also been doing hot yoga recently, which has proven amazing. I mean, I started crying in class today during a certain point when the instructor said some combination of words I don’t exactly remember. I was in a viscerally uncomfortable pose, but as I sunk into it further and further, my emotions started to flow. The pose happened to be one where my face was to the floor, and so was the rest of the class, so when I started shaking and tearing up, it wasn’t noticeable – otherwise I would have suppressed the shit out of those tears. I kept repeating to myself – I’m so sorry, Jannon – I love you, I’ll treat you better from now on, I’m so sorry. Thank you so much, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me. a la Ho’oponopono. it was amazing.

Afterwards, I was soaked. It’s such an amazing experience, because I literally drip sweat like a fucking trickling faucet. the sweat drips off of my nose almost in a constant stream, and it’s refreshing to the point of nirvanic. I feel like I’ve released so many toxins, and it’s amazing because I have to make it a point to hydrate myself before and after. which has made me more mindful of the beverages I am consuming, and subsequently I am cutting back on caffiene.

I want to go paragliding, and when Kevin gets into town, I want to go skydiving with him.

Amazing life…
J-