It’s been a while.

Oh my goodness, can we just let the words come out of the hands for a little while tonight? I think that would be a lovely idea and a great way to start to wind down my tired psyche from what has been 2 weeks of massive transition and change.

I started school, obviously, and made kind of a blunder in starting things off. I skipped a bunch of classes, and was starting to let the bad voice run my thoughts, but I managed, through honesty, to tell on myself enough to start to care about my own fucking future and habits et cetera. So I was all like, telling people about having skipped, and they were genuinely concerned, which was nice. I think it was a good affirmation to have so many people asking and wanting me to succeed. It was really nice to feel like once I was on autopilot, that they weren’t going to go away. I felt really shaky, and like noone was around to know what was going on with me, so what I did was just vomit everything onto the people around me. It was embarassing, but met with a good, reasonable, actually fucking EFFECTIVE response. I am very grateful.

People were mostly concerned with how they could help me, and I even had people offering to come over, wake my ass up, and drive me to class (since the primary reason i was missing my learning class was because it is so *seemingly* early in the doggamn morning). So I received quite a bit of support. I was also skipping my philosophy class because I hadn’t done the homework and didn’t want to have to deal with the negative sanctions blah blah blah. It was good that I identified the things about the classes that made me less likely to go.

This called for action.

I decided to implement a rudimentary reinforcement schedule for class attendance, with ‘normal classes with homework done’ at 20 dollars, and my early morning class at 30 dollars. All in all, I make 160 a week just from attending class. I think since I received a shit-ton of money for financial aid, this is a good way to get myself to go to class, since I can basically spend the money on whatever the fuck I want to anyway. I’m feeling good about things, and I’m starting to entertain the idea (provided this semester goes well) of taking more than just 12 credit hours. I’m thinking maybe 14-16? I know I’m smart enough for it, but i’m gonna use this semester as a way to deal with my insecurities of life without amphetamines.

Anyway, I’ve been going to classes, which is really quite excellent. I have not yet attempted to tackle the homework demon, since that’s kind of secondary to attending class, but we shall see tomorrow because I’m gonna attend the class I haven’t done the homework for, and it’ll be interesting to watch my own train of thought whirl and click in response to the situation. Fuck, maybe I’ll even do the homework to avoid the unpleasant situation. Who knows?

Dennis and Brad are still in love, which is disappointing. They’re not showing any signs of slowing down, and Dennis is planning on moving in with Brad illegally. This makes me smile, since the whole ‘disregard for societies rules’ thing (aka criminal mindset) seems to have taken hold. I’m still paranoid that they’re breaking my boundaries, coming into my room, and stealing my shit, namely my laundry detergent. I can’t conveniently weigh it every time, but if I did, that would be fucking crazy (or totally legit, depending on your perspective). I just don’t like having the anticipation of the boundary violation as a part of my world consciousness. I seem hyper-vigilant and quite sensitive to ‘perceived’ um… ‘transgressions’. This doesn’t feel good, and I’d like to do something about it. Maybe I have to defend my boundaries before I can worry about them being safe. I dunno. This is a good thing to talk to people about to get some type of consensus. Yay! I’m happy that I got something out of this.

Oh, I fucked Jeff a couple of days ago, and I am not really afraid of getting back together with him in that he’s a total fucking tool and we’re not good for each other. The sex is great, though. It’s nice to be kind of indifferent to him as an entity as opposed to the pathetic pandering I used to entertain. This is a good development.

Overall, things seem to be progressing really well. I was VERY stressed out there for a minute. Like I didn’t know how to handle it. it was seriously disconcerting. I, however, actually fucking ACKNOWLEDGED the stress. That was huge. I was all like ‘I’m actually freaking the fuck out right now, and I don’t know how to handle it’, and admitting that, and having that be okay was a very good thing! I’m continuing to grow and be able to handle situations that arise in my life, even when I don’t know how to handle the stress.

I’m gonna go on a little rant of things that I have to do here soon that I’ve been procrastinating on. I need to finally get that honored citizens thing, I need to get a fucking bus pass. I need to buy my fucking books for my fucking classes. I need to get a fucking passport. I need to get a fucking learners permit for motorcycling. I need to renew my fucking fafsa. I need to apply for some fucking scholarships. I need to attend some fucking dance classes. I need to start going back to the fucking gym. I need to start eating stuff with a modicum of nutritive fucking value. I need to keep fucking writing in this fucking diary. and I need to fucking read some fucking books, and watch some fucking movies. I need to introduce some new fucking activities.

Sorry for the profanity. It just sort of happened.

That’s the way it goes sometimes.