Capabilit-ease

So I’m going to class, and I’m using the whole mindful thing a lot. I’ve been feeling lots of extremes lately, and it’s interesting that my new reaction to those extremes is to just watch them and be like ‘wow! I’m a passionate motherfucker!’.

It’s nice.

I am also going to class, and am noticing a lot of correlation between my emotions and stuff in class with whether or not I’m hungry, or whether or not I’ve slept enough etc. etc. etc. I noticed that I am actually able to pay attention, and think that maybe my ADHD diagnosis was inaccurate due to my childhood not having enough resources to engage my attention, so I was all over the place. It’s nice to get into a classroom, sit down, and have my attention be ON. like, ON. it’s strange. I’m not used to so cognitively directing my attention, I suppose. It has a lot to do with the organic nature of reality that I have realized since I stopped smoking… Things are all processes!

So, in my health psychology class, which advocates…. 7 things – getting 8 hours of sleep a night, eating breakfast, not smoking, not drinking, being at or slightly above optimal weight, no eating in between meals, and exercising. of which… I DO FUCKING ALL OF THEM

ALSO INCLUDED ARE HAVING A GOOD SOCIAL NETWORK, HAVING A STRONG CONNECTION TO NATURE, AND JOURNALING!

I’m one healthy motherfucker.

Anyway, I’m now dealing with the bizarre task of studying NOT on speed. It’s interesting. The only time I used to study was when I was peaking from speed, or with a decent alcohol buzz. Now, since I’m not doing any of those things, all of my state based memories are just as good all the fucking time! I’m always at my best possible capability to recall any information that I learn. This is amazingly powerful for me. I am at my best advantage now. Sobriety is turning into a strength…

I’m so grateful for all of this. It’s like the nature of work is changing in a subtle way that I can’t quite begin to grasp. Like, work is just something to do. It’s not a thing to be judged, or a qualification of a person or anything like that… it’s just… something to do. I don’t know a better way to capture it than that. Other than the fact that I went to class today, ate lunch, refilled my antidepressants and sleeping meds, emailed my professor about an issue, met with the teach during his office hours, went to my other classes, then had dinner, and then went to the gym. Now I’m listening to music, talking with people and journaling. This is a pretty decent day. My days used to be stay in a pissed bed until 4-5pm… wake up, go to a meeting, go home, drink until ???? lather rinse repeat.

It’s also kind of scary because of the situation I’m in with Dennis and Brad… I don’t want to relapse, and I acknowledge that things are in my like, mind… but I don’t like being exposed to the stimulus so frequently. It’s gonna start to lose it’s… um fear?

I’m losing coherence. I should start to wrap things up.

Triggers…. my philosophy class makes me want to take acid really bad. The teacher even casually makes references to drugs and drinking and the like. It makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t think it’s professional. I think I may send him an email asking him to be a bit more sensitive to things. I’ll send the email if the drug references continue happening and make me uncomfortable again. I think sending an email after one incident is a little preemptive. I’ll wait. Prudence and discretion are strengths.

Sometimes I just straight up want to get fucked up. It’s not the happy times, though, lately. I find that in the happy times, I’m perfectly content with the combination of brain chemicals that I’m synthesizing away, and I don’t necessarily feel the need to attempt to amplify them at all with substances. I miss speed sometimes because of the POWERFUL feeling it induced. I’d like to be a little more assertive, and that and booze are an easy way to catalyze those seemingly assertive behaviors. The assertiveness is contrived, though, and that’s what i have to remember. I’ve got to become a damn good me, and I’m in a lovely position to do so. I need to tell on myself, so I’m going to do that here, and I’d like your feedback if you don’t mind. I am prescribed 25mg of hydroxyzine for a sleep aid. The usual dose for sleep is 75 mg. so I occasionally take more than I’m supposed to. The motive is not to experience a changed state of consciousness – it’s to actually induce sleep in myself in a reasonable fashion as opposed to a weak fashion. I think that the next time I meet with the lady, I should mention it and see if I can get it upped. I don’t want the slippery slope to be started with a fucking non-narcotic. LOL. I’m so funny sometimes.

Anyway, I’m gonna take a bath and then try to get up on time for class.
Scratch that- I’m GOING to get up on time.

J-