Caffeine Monster.

This fucking song is triggery.

Anyway, I think the funk that I’ve been in the past few days is because of caffeine withdrawal. I don’t know, but I suspect that was the case considering I spent two WHOLE days without any caffeine in my system, and I actually got a headache, which almost NEVER happens to me. Interesting.

Well, the last couple of days sucked ass – I was kind of ill, and I spent most of the time sleeping. I fucked up my whole eating cycle, and generally did my hardest to fall into old habits as hard as I could short of actually relapsing. My behavior was the same short of snorting speed and tipping-back burnett’s. with less bed wetting.

Anyway, I had some caffeine tonight, and I’m fucking PUMPED. I”M SO FUCKING PUMPED.

I’m gonna clean my room and do laundry, and write a bunch, and I’m probably gonna do yoga, and hopefully find someone to cavort around portland with in the car I have access to. YAY (maybe not the cavorting around part will happen, I don’t know I don’t care.

I don’t care if this song is triggery, I like it anyway.

Okay, so………………….. I’m looking for ways to minimize my own resentments. For example, every time I look at my bottle of body wash that I used maybe a dozen times, I resent brad and dennis because I know those fuckers are using it. Well, I suspect it’s mostly brad, but I’ve gotta include dennis in there to be fair. no. it’s all brad.

anyway, instead of letting the bottle sit in there and remind me how much I HATE THEM every time I look at it, I decided to throw the fucker away. Now – out of sight, out of mind! Except for all this other shit that’s starting to fuck with my serenity. the worst part is that I”m letting it….

there’s gotta be something to this. something more. something I can do to tweak my own perception of the situation to turn it into something more positive and less of a just straight up shitty situation. I know what to do, to boot, I just don’t wanna because I’m a little shit.

*sigh*

I guess I’ll change once it gets uncomfortable enough, eh?

J-

No! I’m not fucking done!

So………. I just got done talking with my sponsor and now I”m fucking rolling! (not literaly, but figuratively).

I mean, so, I was getting all pissed and starting to snarl at the world and sulk and be all ‘blah’. I’m washing my sheets, and I just applied for the FAFSA. Like a boss. Like a mother-fucking boss.

so now I’m all grooving on this kick-ass music, and bobbing my head and rolling back and forth like Stevie Wonder. Literally, just like that as I’m typing this, with those big ass black headphones I have on my head. Yay! They actually projected that I’ll get money for school! Holy shit! how cool is that! I thought I burned my bridges beyond repair. I imagine that the support that I could get through quest would be huge.

HOLY SHIT I GRADUATED QUEST…. The last person to do that was, um… Steve? I think? I don’t know, but I think it’s a fucking travesty that the success rate of addiction recovery is so low. makes me sad.

Makes me HAPPY that I’m not fucking wasted! Holy shit yeah! AWESOMESAUCE!.

Now we can end