Badass Television

I just got this humongous fucking TV, and this pretty fucking big CPU monitor, and also this super fucking awesome lamp. the lamp is the thing I’m most excited about. it’s got a matte stainless steel finish, and it’s done in the modern style.

eyy-way.

I’m feeling ‘othered’, relieved, and excited. Othered because it’s fucking new years eve and I’m an alcoholic. I mean, it seems like I would very much feel like the center of the fucking holiday, but since I’m not drinking, I’m like a non-fucking-entity. I know Kyle relapsed, since I’ve been in contact with Steve and him, and i called him, and he didn’t sound so good.

I feel like a fucking soldier on the front lines, and all my fucking comrades are dropping like flies. There’s so much fucking emotional desolation that it’s depressing. I know the fuckers aren’t having a good time when they relapse, but they think that it’s gonna be fun or something while they’re sober. I know they’re not having a purely ‘good time’, because they all know they’re fucking messes and alcoholics. It’s so depressing because I know that I’m so emotionally and psychologically fragile that I have to surround myself with people who are sober and basically have my baby-ass baby-sat or else I’ll fucking relapse. i know that I’d be really good at convincing myself that I could get away with it since it was new years eve and all. I know that if I woke up on the first hungover, or even not hungover, I feel like my entire support base would dissolve/evaporate, and a lot of people other than me would lose hope. This is getting bigger than me, and it’s starting to scare me. I didn’t ask for this responsibility!

I’m feeling relieved, because I’m gonna go pick Nathaniel up shortly. I was really really really missing him. I started going into old behaviors something fierce the moment he lent me his car and left town for the holidays. I wasn’t happy, and I think I might’ve realized what a big part of my recovery he is. I mean, I think I realized that hookups aren’t good for my self-esteem. This is an interesting ride, and I didn’t really expect it to take these turns…

I’m feeling excited because I got a fucking big-ass TV, a nice-ass Lamp, and nice-ass CPU monitor/smaller TV. I’m taking these as direct reinforcement for me being sober. DIRECT MOTHERFUCKING REINFORCEMENT. I think I might need to start soliciting more positive reinforcement from the world. I know that ‘alkies want applause for wiping their asses’, but I don’t give a fuck. If getting applause for otherwise menial and banal chores is the only way I’m gonna do the chores, I’m gonna fucking solicit the shit out of that positive feedback.

I’ve actually done a pretty good job of integrating into society, considering the position I’m in. I mean, I sent out christmas cards. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. I mean, I was always too self-absorbed or using to do anything that pro-social. I’m keeping a clean room, and I’m starting to like, clean the kitchen MOST of the time. People who smoke pot are usually pretty fucking sloppy, because once they get their food, I don’t think they think to clean up after themselves. At least, my experience with people who ‘use’ things recreationally tended not to have clean houses. I didn’t interact with a LOT of tweakers though, and if anyone runs contrary to the messy characteristic,. I think it’d be tweakers.

I’m doing okay. I’m gonna make it through this holiday. I think. I’m pretty sure.

J-