audience

I don’t do this if I don’t have an audience… I want to change that.

Anyway, I haven’t written in a long long time, and I’m about sick of my silence! There have been a lot of developments in my life since my last entry and I am going to list them in a list according to their list.

started taking wellbutrin as a vigilante. 150mg 1x day
finished spring semester – definitely failed youth subcultures.
continued my abusive relationship with sugar.
Resumed fucking Jeff with more regularity.
Got a sponsee who is intersex (aren’t I qualified?)
got a year of sobriety

anyway, today has been really swell. It’s the first day after all of my finals and stuff are done, so there’s this massive relaxation thing going on. it’s fucking awesome.

I woke up at around 2pm, and wasn’t mean to myself. I rolled around in my super comfortable bed for a while, drank a red bull, and reached out to the world. I talked with kristen a bit, and she seems in a bad way. So, I took my pills, took a shower, and started some laundry. I then went and got a haircut, and then came back and changed my laundry out. I went to the grocery and got bacon, lettuce, and tomatoes. I got sourdough bread infused with rosemary, and I also got some provolone. I also got a bunch of mac and cheese. anyway, I got home, finished my laundry, vacuumed, took care of financial aid for summer, made BLTs with nathaniel, worked out (did arms and some other stuff), and read some of my play book.

FUCKING BOSS STATUS.

anyway, the real point of this entry is about my mommy. I am really sensitive about her taking my identity because of her borderline personality disorder. I mean, I get really defensive – I learned a whole fucking language because of it – and I didn’t learn this until retrospective reflection. or something. Anyway, I get really awkward when it comes to success, because I think unconsciously I don’t want to have her steal my success.

I mean, I quit smoking like, 11 months ago, right? And the bitch has the nerve to SWITCH TO AN E-CIG AND THEN GO AROUND TELLING EVERYONE SHE ‘QUIT SMOKING’.

those caps aren’t big enough, by the way.

anyway – about this theft of identity. I really resent her for this blurring and recombination of ego. But I realized something. It’s kind of hard to fuck up raising a super-geinus. That is the key that I am going to hold on to in order to synthesize the resentment away.

Since I’ve gotten a year, I have turned my meetings up a little more, and am in more constant contact with my sponsor. I think this decision is warranted, as a year is an intensely symbolic amount of time, yet simultaneously it is also completely devoid of meaning.

anyway. I’m in a good mood. I just discovered blue sky black death.

J-