Sooooo Blooooooo

So sad, so blue, thoughts of you.  Pictures seen, pages read, you running thru my head.  Not to miss or long for what we had, but the holidays make me miss you so bad.

I’m going back on the road.  Back to driving team with the hub.  We need lots of money fast and that’s the only way to get it.

I’m sick of this life and this time and this phase and all of it.  The struggles, the loss, the frustration, the impending feeling of being up against an invisible deadline.

I want to walk away from them all and hide.  What would she do without me?  How much would he realize he missed me?  Why am I sacrificing my life for people that should not request so much of me.

I see Robert’s life and family on facebook and know how great things are for all of them.  Susan now lives in Virginia.  The new family, the new wife, the new life.  Seeing all the brothers with the same wives and knowing I never really did fit in with those people.

Seldom have I found the people I fit in with tho.  I did in Panama City Beach.  I’m such a happy, positive person, why does my life suck so hard so often.

I’ve come to know Bill is cursed and his life is always to be shit and here I went and married him.  Bad things happen to him over and over and over and I’m there by wedlock sharing in the giant piles of feces misfunctions.  

Disattachment disorder only gets worse as I age.  I have not kept any relationships close enough for them to satisfy any part of me.  I have been too selfish with my time and my being alone.  I have a shrink appt for the 9th, but I may have to cancel to be on the road.

I have a court date for the 25th of January to get rid of the DUI they gave me, so luckily nothing is on my record yet and I can get a job.  I am THC free enough to pass the drug test.  That has been a struggle with all the stress and life changing.

Moved back to Joplin with the sister/mom.  Driving is a way to get money and get away from her all at once.  I’m just not big enough to hide all of the resentment anymore.  She abandoned me so why am I stuck having to give her money to live on.  Cuz I’m a soft empathetic sap.

Nothing good here to say, not right now on this day.

Happy Thanksgiving to You All

Wishing you Peace and Resolution,

Yaechle