Love is A Waste

Well, the past 5 months since my now ex fiance broke things off with me have been nothing but agonizingly miserable.  I thought in time I would slowly move on but I was so wrong.  I think about her everyday, no less per day.  I try not to talk to her anymore but find myself calling her or accepting her calls too from time to time, weekly actually.  She wants to be able to remain friends because she claims she loves me still and wants to be with me but it just won’t work and she is so frustrated with life in general she doesn’t want to complicate things with a relationship anymore.  really, what it comes down to is the same issue most women between the ages of 18-24ish have, not having a clue what the hell they want in anything. 

During these past 4-5 months she has confused the hell out of me, although within the past few days we have finally come to a conclusion that we will never be together again and need to move forward, but before that we would see each other once a week it seemed and talk on the phone or online and she would always talk about how she misses me and about sex and memories and etc, etc.  All obviously making me that much more miserable.  She even admitted cheating on me early in our relationship and how terrible she felt for it and that she hoped I could forgive her for it and maybe think about building some trust with her and starting over slow again, yet days later we were back to it never gonna happen again according to her anyways… 

I have never been in this much pain before in my life, it’s terrible.  I am still rediculously in love with this girl and I don’t understand how or why God would allow me to be in love with someone I cannot have or be with.  Granted I don’t want to question God, I know is not my job, it’s just so frustrating. 

I don’t really know why I am typing this, I guess I have a diary for this but I haven’t had the urge to write about anything on here for real in a long time, I always have random entries of meaningless crap and yet now I just find myself wanting to just vent a little I guess. 

There is so much more I could say but I just don’t want to get into it. 

Til next time I guess.

Ryan