Holly

Ok, today I opened my phone up to send a message to Lizz. So I did what I usually do, I looked for the last message that was sent to me and I replied to it knowing in my mind it had to have been a message from Lizz because it almost always is… This time it wasn’t, it was Holly. And in her reply she made it very clear to me in so many words basically that some dude named Collin didn’t like her talking to me so I should stop… I know Holly and whether this be true or not, which it very well may be, either way I know she is trying to make me jealous, that would make her feel so much better to get me back in some way for breaking her heart. In my mind I feel she never really wanted to marry me anyways… but I won’t go into all that. The problem however is that it does make me jealous, insanely jealous and I don’t know why because I don’t feel like I’m interested in her anymore but maybe deep down I still want to think that she is mine, just like I have always thought for the last 3 years… I want to let go, badly I do, but I’m not having much luck it seems and I don’t know what to do. Seriously don’t get me wrong, I have no interest in being with her ever again, she brings me too much pain and frustration, she turns me into a very cranky very stressful person and I don’t need nor want her, but I can’t let go of the tie that was formed so long ago that lies within my heart. As stupid as that may sound I sincerely mean it.

I just wish she could find it within herself to not be such a bitch and this desire to hurt me so bad would stop because it is childish and wrong. I did not hurt her on purpose and I apologized for anything wrong I did including possibly leading her on knowing I wasn’t sure about marriage anymore. I never wanted to hurt her I swear, just because I don’t want to be with her anymore doesn’t mean I don’t still care about her as a friend and a person. I don’t ever want to see her hurt or depressed or anything wrong. She refuses to allow us to be friends and I understand that. But why can’t she just be civil and let it go, I know it isn’t that easy but there is no reason for her to be such a bitch to me.

Holly knows me, she knows how conflictive I am. And she knows that by telling me things like Collin such and such asshole doesn’t like me and bla bla will piss me off and make me want to come start some shit, but I won’t. It’s not worth it, he can have her, I know I already have time and time again. But maybe it is just best for me to ignore her instead of trying to be an ass back to her. That is what I’ll have to do.

Later,

Ryan