About a guy

I’m just going to jump right in, so there is this guy that I know and we have known each other for years. Over those years I have wanted nothing more than to be with him, but it was never a good time. I did a lot of things wrong while we were still friends and he took note of that, but I watched as he went from girl to girl and either dated then for a month before they left him or he got flat out rejected by the girl he liked. I hated seeing him get hurt and I really liked him but I could never be with him. Well lets fast forward to about a month or two ago, he said that he would finally give me a chance, I was so excited and so happy it was all I ever wanted. Now he is a really great guy but he is very rough around the edges but he can be wonderfully sweet at times, so sometimes he will send me things, like last night he sent me this tik tok video and it was this guy and this girl and they were having a good time and I basically told him “okay that will never be us” I have always doubted our relationship because of how he is. I know it doesn’t make any sense am I right like “okay why date him if your doubting him and your relationship with him?” good question, I think its not just because of him I think I’m to scared that I’m going to seriously mess things up with him and I don’t want to so I set my expectations low. I wish I wasn’t so scared to just be with him and really be with him, I feel like I’m always hesitant around him and I feel lost around him. this is the absolute worst. it also doesn’t help when I have anxiety because it makes everything worse for me in my mind because I start to overthink everything about him and our relationship and I start to question myself about things. its not fun and I hate it. I just really want things to work with him because I love him so much I love him more than any other guy I have been with, I would do anything to make him happy or make him smile or laugh. 😢