The ghost of 4th of July past

My exwife’s family used to be in charge of their towns 4th of July festival. They arranged all of the participants in the parade, set up most of the bands, and helped run the huge 3 day festival in a dozen other ways. As soon as my ex and I became a couple, I got drafted into the madness. For nearly a decade the fourth meant lots of music, beer, and hard work beside my lover. And, at the end of the day, usually some sweaty sex.  I loved it.

Now that’s gone.

Instead, I’m spending the holiday with my Mom. We really have no big plans. Sunday we were invited to a BBQ at an old high school friend’s house. Just him, his wife (who I’ve known even longer than him) their daughter and Mom and me. Not really expecting much. The fourth itself will be even more mellow. Meeting my Dad and stepmom for breakfast and maybe catching the new Indiana Jones movie. Can’t even get together with my sister and my nephews since they will be flying back from 10 days in Hawaii that afternoon.

Times like this it just reminds me of how few friends I have. And that I am very, very single. Honestly, there isn’t a single woman in my life that I could even consider asking out to see fireworks or anything else holiday related. Its so very different than what this holiday one meant to me.

It sucks.

I’m trying hard to embrace what I do have, to remember how much better this year will be than any in the last 10 years, but…I’m still haunted by the past.