08/24/2011

Tackling the over 10 year old desktop. It was the first computer I ever had. After multiple people using it, deleting files, and never taking care of it, I’m attempting to clean over 10 years of shit off of it. I mean I was in middle school when I got this beast, so it’s not like I knew a whole lot of computer stuff. I knew how to download music, and IM. Pretty much it. And it’s not like my parents once they took it over knew any better either. There’s more random poker programs on that thing that I could imagine.

There was less than half a gb of space left on the 16, yes that’s right 16 gb hard drive. 16!! Crazy. I’m sad at 150 gb on my laptop. I managed to get 5 gb after deleting hundreds of worthless files. Programs that had been deleted but never fully, dozens of random shit that I had no idea what it was. Now I’m defragging and we’ll see what I get. I’m hoping I can manage to get at least enough free space to get the anti virus up to date.

Obviously it’s so old and out of date as it I’m not going to get all that far, but I’m hoping I can actually get it to work a smidge it better than it is now. One can only hope. Plus it’s giving me something to do.

Fun stuffs. Woo.

I hate doing laundry. More so when it takes over $20, and the clothes don’t even get dried all the way. Fucking stupid piece of shit dryers. Lovely. So, really it wasn’t that bad money wise since I haven’t really done laundry in a couple weeks. I go with Mom when she does hers, but I just leave mine home. It’s the dryers that I hate. Most don’t even get hot, and those that do, I realized while half climbing in them to dig my wet socks out of the back, don’t get hot all the way through. The back of the dryer is ice cold. So all the clothes in the back are still soaked. Going to have to find a new place to do laundry. Preferably with someone who actually is there who works there to get my money back when the dryers don’t work. And the stuffed animal claw machine takes my money but doesn’t let me play. Mean machine. Mean I tell you.

Have to look at the bills that are due this week and see if I can pay them. I hate the end of the month, money is always tight. Still trying to get this whole being an adult and paying all the bills thing down. Guess it takes time. Get paid tomorrow though, so should be alright. It’s just the stupid cell phone bill, father still isn’t paying for it. And he had the balls to call last night to get us to pay car insurance since he "forgot" to do it. Told us to pay with with checking account, and poor Mom doesn’t know enough to know that we don’t have the numbers. So it’s on her credit card. At least now he can’t make us pay for my car insurance since we paid his. Fucker. 

Did I mention the asshole didn’t even call me on my birthday? And his idea of a present is telling me to buy something and let him know how much it cost. Really? He can call whenever he needs something from me, do his unemployment, send my brother pictures, why his phone isn’t working. But he can’t call me on my birthday. He angers me like no other. I thought it was bad before, now I’m just so disgusted by him that I can’t even muster up enough energy to answer when he calls.

Except that little part of me, that does talk to him when I have no choice, that part lapses into a child, calling him Daddy and trying to not cry and say I miss you, why won’t you come home? I don’t really miss him, not really. I like not having to deal with him, and the fighting, the arguments, the fear of him hitting me. But ya know I miss my Dad, not the man he is, but the Dad he was every once in a while.

I don’t know what I want. I suppose most of this is because I’m slowly going off my meds, and my brain is screwy. Hoping I’ll have enough money after the bills to get myself to the Doc for a refill. If not… well I suppose I’ve dealt with being bipolar for years without meds I can deal with it for a few weeks. Though now that I’ve had a taste of actual normal emotions it’s kinda hard to deal with my flipping flopping ones now. One minute I’m up then I’m down, and then I’m some odd mix of manic racing thoughts with crying wailing. It’s kinda funny if I think out it from an outside view. Night is the worst, but for those nights that I just can’t get my brain to shut up I have sleeping bills. Even if I know I’ll spend the next day with a migraine it’s still worth it to quiet the thoughts. It does make it harder to wake from the nightmares, but I don’t really remember them as well either. Kinda of a murky memory of pain and fear, without any actual idea of why. I’ll take it.

Well the computer has done it’s thing, best go finish it.