08/14/2011

I feel like a vaguely horribly person. Part of me anyway feels bad. The other part feels justified in my actions. Logically I know it’s the childish egotistical selfish part that feel justified.

Barely spoke to my mother at all once she got home yesterday. I mean the first hour or so I did. We went out to get Demon his birthday present. What does one get a 26 year old male who buys whatever he wants when he wants it? Who has ADHD and can’t sit still, and now that (as far as I know stopped smoking) keeps his hands occupied?

A Nerf gun. Hells yes. It’s bad ass. Carry strap, flashlight, 6 shot clip, pump action.

Then we went grocery shopping for the stuff needed for a pasta salad. Today, well this evening we’re all going to Demon’s parents house for a joint B-Day party for him and me. And I was tasked with making the pasta salad.

While waiting in the ever growing long line at the deli I told Mom that my nephew’s other grandmother called to let us know he was in town. Now my mother is all a twitter about it. And couldn’t even wait to get home to start calling him. She did at least wait until we got in the car, that’s something I suppose. This is where my first irrational surge of jealousy and anger popped out.

She’s all oh we can get him at like 8 tomorrow (that would be today now) and blah blah blah. I’m like uhhh hello, we’re probably not going to be even home yet at 8. By the time we get to Demon’s parents place and eat dinner and talk and all that other shit, it’s going to be maybe just 8 when we can leave. She’s all oh well it’s an excuse to leave early. HELLO! This my fucking birthday party, why would I leave early? Sure, I may not enjoy his parents, and normally I would love an excuse to leave early, ’cause I can only take so much of his parents before I explode but… this is my party. The only one I’m having this year. It’s not like I’m having a blown out party next weekend or anything with friends (ha who would I invite, the BFF and Demon, wooo so many people). So I was a bit miffed.

Then she’s all well we could take him (my nephew) Monday and Tuesday. Whoa lady, back up. We have plans Tuesday. Remember? My one and only thing I get to do for my birthday. Lunch and then Harry Potter. Remember that. That’s Tuesday. And either one of those days we have to get my driver license renewed because it expires on Wednesday. So… yeah. Hello, we have shit to do at least on Tuesday. My shit. Mine.

And because she noticed I had an attitude to it, she’s all ‘oh I know you couldn’t care less about seeing the kids’. What kids first of all? There is one kid. The other kid isn’t related to me, has nothing to do with me, and just because he shares a mother with my nephew doesn’t mean I have to do anything with him. Second, it has nothing to do with how much I do or don’t care about the kid. It has to do with making plans, and breaking them. All the time. It has to do with the fact that this is going to be the most miserable I’ve been on my birthday because everything went to shit this year. Because I’m going to be so fucking old to be playing games with myself, have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and have nothing to show for the past 22 years. Nothing.

It’s because she wanted to spend 60 dollars we don’t have on a hotel just to be closer to him while he’s here. I ask to be able to even look at the $5 bin of DVDs at Walmart and I’m being bitched out about not having money for that. And she can spend 60 bucks for a hotel for one night, just be a half hour closer? WTF!

It’s because for the past oh 5 ish years now I’ve known I’m second to my nephew. Always. If there was some odd situation where someone said she had to choose one of us to save, and only one of us, she’d pick him. And ya know, fine whatever. But she has three other grandkids. Three. Three that are actually related to her. Since technically my nephew isn’t blood related. And the twins, two of the three, we raised for years too, just like the kid. We took them to school, we had them after school, we taught them to read and write. She spent every day at the hospital with them for weeks because they were premature, and in the NICU. And does she seem to care about them half as much as this kid? No. She willingly left our entire family behind, and that was that. No more contact really. Why? What is so special about this kid that he’s her entire world? This was before the split with my father, before shit went to hell. When life was peachy and sunshine it was this way.

I don’t get it. Why is this one kid more important to her than her entire family, not just me, but the entire family? The "oh well we had him for the first three years of his life most of the time" excuse doesn’t fly. Remember the twins Mom? Do you? Hmm? We had them for the first like 6 years of their lives. Remember your family, your sisters and mother? Do you? Remember my fucking father, who while I agree is an asshole and leaving was a good idea, but do you remember him? WHY!!! Why is everyone in your life not as important as this one kid? What does he have that no one else does?

I just want to understand why. Why I’m not good enough, and haven’t been. Why your other daughter isn’t good enough, your other grandkids. Why are none of us as good as he is?

And ya know, maybe the fact that I’m questioning it, is why. I don’t know. She thinks I’m just a cold hearted selfish jealous bitch about this whole thing. Maybe I am. Maybe I never grew out of being a jealous over anyone else having my mother. I never had to share her before the kid was born. I shared my father with my brother and look where that is? Everyone knows my father loves my brother more than me, everyone. Not just me, but everyone knows this. It’s common fact around here. Ask anyone.

Why do I never get to be first? Not with my father,  and now not with my mother. And the most ironic twist of fucking shit, my nephew the one my mother loves above all else, is my brothers kid. Maybe that’s what this all boils down to. No matter what I do, somehow my fucking brother gets to win in everything. He even gets my mother through his son. What makes him so fucking special? Either of them really.

Is that why I almost purposely fuck up everything in my life. Because maybe if I’m as much of a screw up as my brother my father will love me? How fucked up is that? That I almost want to purposely ruin my life so someone will love me unconditionally. My father loves me when it’s good for him. When he needs something from me. And now my mother is like that. I swear. She needs me. Needs my income, needs my ability to manage the bills, and do most of the driving. She would flounder, and fail if I wasn’t here to hold her up.

But who holds me up? Who takes care of me?

Fuck it. It’s too fucking early in the morning for this. I’ve been having nightmares again, so I’m overly exhausted. I have my period, so I’m overly emotional. Add those two together and I’m just a wreck.