07/28/2011

It’s been a while hasn’t it?

Probably haven’t written because nothing has gotten any better. It just keeps getting worse. Oddly I’m not feeling as depressed as I should. Probably cause the lovely meds I take, and oh fuck I have to call the damn psych dr to get an appointment, keep my brain chemistry from going haywire. We were so broke we had to borrow money from my grandmother, and when that didn’t come in as quick as we all though, and the bills were due, we had to talk to my father and use his money. Not like he doesn’t owe me money for the cell phone anyway. And the reason we have so many bills is because the assface hasn’t paid anything since May. Really? He tried to bull the ‘oh I don’t get it, I thought I did’ excuse. Hello!! I invented that excuse. I can tell you haven’t logged into the accounts since fucking April! You never attempted to pay them. Did it just slip your mind? He hasn’t paid Mom’s credit cards, or even his own. At first we thought he was just being more dickish than usual by not paying her stuff, but nope he can’t even pay his own.
Then he blames it all on me. I had access to his accounts so I should have checked. How do I have access? It wasn’t until the other day when he gave me the log in information that I had access. And he changed his email password so I can’t do the "lost username" send to my email thing. Ugh.

But the money is slowly coming in. Got the bills mostly paid up, rent will be paid on time. Wasn’t sure if it would.

Maybe I’ll treat myself to a real pack of cigarettes and not these cheap roll your own ones. How is it that a real back of Marlboro Menthols gives me the same tingly feeling I’d get if I was able to see a lover? Well I do love my cigarettes.

The BFF’s phone barely works, so I can’t ever get a hold of her. So I’m lost in this sea of diaster by myself. I’m going to try to convince her that the crappy pre-paid service she has while being cheaper than others, is so cheap because it only works half the time. Pay the extra money to get a real service provider, use the T-Mobile pre-pay or even AT&T. Seriously.

Anyway…

Would it have been easier to just stay there? Stay with him and in that place where Mum and I were so miserable? I mean it’s not like he hit us or anything. But verbal abuse is still abuse isn’t it? Would it have been worth it to just put up with the constant fighting to be able to not worry like this? I hated it there, I did, but I hate feeling like this too. I don’t miss him, I really don’t. Is that sad? That I don’t miss my father? But I miss the security of just having myself to worry about.
How long has it been since I was free? Free of being the adult?

Well since I’ve been single for nearly two years now, I’d say two. And when my mother asks why I don’t date, I tell her because I’m broke and it’s not like I can afford to go on a real date. The real answer is that I’m the fucking adult in this house it feels like. It has for too long. I’m the one that takes care of the bills, I’ve spent every dime I’ve saved paying for mostly everything since we’ve left. I cook dinner, I clean up the house. Sure, Mum works now, and once she gets paid things will be more even, but…
But I’m tired of being an adult.

I know I know, I’m 23 in a couple weeks, I’m an adult whether I like it or not. But hasn’t it always been this way? Haven’t I been the one to take care of everything? To be the go between? To keep the peace? To act like the fucking adult when I’m the child? To ignore what I want, what I need, to keep them happy first and foremost?

What happened to my childhood? That’s what I would like to know. When did my dreams, my wants become so far down on the list that I can’t even see them anymore? I can’t keep my anger from exploding out on my mother. She’s so frustrating. I have to explain the same thing to her daily, sometimes three times a day. She doesn’t grasp how anything works, and I feel like a broken record telling her "NO!" all the time.

Do you know I haven’t been to see the new Harry Potter movie yet? I’ve always seen the movie within a few days of it coming out. It’s something I’ve waited for since the movies started, since I read the book the night it came out, crying to myself for hours as I read. And yet, I haven’t seen it. I couldn’t see spending the money. Just now I finally have a few dollars to use for "fun". I couldn’t see spending seven fucking dollars to see something I’ve wanted to see since I was 13. And yet I buy my mother a cell phone, add her to my plan that I’m already paying too much for since my father hasn’t paid his half of it. Why? Because I fucking worry when she isn’t home on time from work. Because she can barely drive, and it storms a lot, and I’m so fucking worried that she’s going to get into a wreck and I won’t know about it until I call everything hospital and finally find her.

Yet again, I’m the adult. I hate being the adult. The one in charge. The one who has to make decisions, and make choices. What’s right versus what’s wanted.

I may not even get to finish my degree up in the Fall. It’s a couple hundred for the class and another hundred for the book. Will I have that much money to spend? It’s due the day before my birthday. Do I want to just take the money and spend a couple days just for once in fuck knows how long enjoying myself? No, because I don’t want to waste the money. But then again I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. Teaching? I’ve thought about it. The degree is offered at the college, BS in Secondary Education with an emphasis in Biology. Or I could spend the amount for one class on trying to get a private investigation license. I could talk to Demon, see if he can get me an internship with someone he knows. I don’t know. I really don’t.