03/08/2011

Real Entry That Way <——–

 

– When I’m home alone I forget that I need to eat, shower, all that. Without someone to distract me, pull me out of my head from where ever I am, I don’t remember that I require food, and that a shower would be a good idea. Luckily, for me, the BFF and Demon know this, and will do what they can to take care of me. Demon will call me until I answer and make me come over. That means I have to shower, and once there his girlfriend will make dinner, so I have to eat. The BFF will text to remind me, or come over and feed me, and make enough/buy enough that I can easily eat for the rest of the time. 

– I used to hate talking to people. I still do. I’m bad at small talk, I don’t see the point. I can’t talk to idiots, and most of the population is. But, I’m thinking it’s the medication, I’m more able to talk to strangers and just be more friendly in general. I’m not normally a friendly person, but I’m getting there.

– I don’t really like going out in large crowds. I can at times have a panic attack when I’m in a wall of people. I’ve gotten better at pushing the panic away, but still, I hate crowds. It’s why I refuse to go to the super walmart. Too many people.  

– People won’t watch crime shows/movies with me if I’m paying attention to them. I have a bad habit of yelling at the TV and tearing apart the evidence collection, clothing, procedures, etc. One movie, whatever it was called, the cop picked up a gun with a pencil and then placed it in a bag. I spent a good five minutes yelling at the TV about it. It was all wrong.

– The only blonde I can say I’m totally head over heels for is Renee O’ Connor. Otherwise it’s brunettes all the way. 

– Even with medication I still have some obsessive habits. At the moment it’s Xena. I bought the $200 android tablet for the sole purpose of being able to watch Xena when I’m on campus. I read fanfiction pretty much constantly. I’m on a Xena!Conqueror fix at the moment. Something about Xena being evil, and the love of Gabrielle (normally a slave) being able to pull her from the darkness inside strikes a cord in me. Possibly because I know there’s a darkness inside me that’s kinda scary at times, and I hope I can find my own Gabrielle (or ya know Renee herself would be lovely too), to help keep that at bay more. 

– I can remember almost every X-Files episode ever. If I can’t remember it off hand, I can tell which season it’s in by how Mulder and Scully look, dress, talk, and can narrow it down. I’m going to have to take a picture of my office room thing. Two walls are nothing but X-Files pictures/posters. 

– I’m rather glad my mother doesn’t seem to think I have violent tendencies. At times it’s frustrating that she keeps saying I couldn’t possibly be bipolar because I’m not violent, but part of me is glad she’s never seen that part of me. I’ve learned enough to walk away from her when I’m feeling it building. If she knew the walls I’ve put holes in, the murder rage I’ve been in where people can’t even see me in my eyes anymore, then well I just… I don’t want her to see that.

– The BFF and Demon, being my only two friends, are really special to me. They both get me, I get them. 

-The BFF gets my horrible darkside, she embraces it in a sense. She knows it’s there, knows I’m can at times be a mean horrible vindictive person. She loves me anyway. She’s probably the only person that I’ve never tried to fuck with. I’m good at manipulation, without knowing someone for longer than a few minutes I know what to say, how to say it to piss people off. It’s why she doesn’t let me meet her boyfriends. She knows I’d be far to good at hurting them. 

– I’m bad in almost all social situations. If I’m not able to be a mean bastard I don’t know what to say or do. I used to have to actually write out a script if I was going to talk on the phone with random people. I had to know what I was going to say, what the other person would say, and my responses. I guess that’s why I’m good at fucking with people. I’ve had to learn how to read people, not only by facial/body language but tone and inflection of voice. 

– The BFF can read me better than I can read her at times. Kinda freaky. We can talk without words. We can go a year without seeing each other, and it’s like we talked yesterday. I can give her a look, my trademark smirk. She knows I’m either thinking something dirty or evil, or both. And then I’ll get a, "Gizmo." One word, but the tone is her telling me to knock it off. 

-The BFF is also one of the only people that knows exactly how to get me flustered. I hate being flustered. When I’m nervous I babble, stutter, or both. And I blush wicked bad. She loves to see me get all flustered. The other day at lunch she spent a good five minutes laughing while I blushed and stuttered. I suppose she has evil streak too. 

– I’m a genius. Okay, yes I’m a cocky bitch with an ego the size of Texas that no amount of mood stabilizers are going to fix, but I really am a genius. This causes more problems than anything. The genius thing, not the ego thing. I can’t talk to most people because they’re too stupid, and I can’t apply myself in class if the work is too easy. Hence why I never went to real college. I slacked off in high school so bad. Stayed home most days. Never did homework. Passed all the tests, papers, whatever with an A. If I actually did all the work I would have a 4.0 gpa. But I’m a slacker. 

– I can only drink black coffee. Finally the nice cute girl at Starbucks has realized who I am and won’t question my black coffee request. And now she even tells the boy making it that no, no cream, no sugar, no room, just coffee. It’s nice. She’s nice to look at too. 

– I have these moments where every sound is amplified, my eye sight is amplified, every sense is just 10x more. Time seems to slow down to a crawl, but at the same time be moving wicked fast. I have this odd feeling of deja vu, but not like ‘oh I think I know this already’. More like I remember these same exact feelings, but it’s not from me. Like I’m me, but not me. Another me. A past me so to say. I can remember that when I felt like that before (whatever before is) that I was completely and utterly terrified. It’s been happening more and more often. It’s been going on since I was really little, but lately it seems like every few days instead of every few months. I don’t really know what it means. 

– I’m more likely to believe in the Greek/Roman Gods than the Christan God. The whole one God thing doesn’t make sense to me. One person, no matter how awesome, can’t be in charge of everything. I believe in

aliens, reincarnation, mostly all things supernatural, but I can’t wrap my head around a one God. 

– I can go for days with only having coffee, energy drinks, and cigarettes, with a bottle of water thrown in for good measure. You would think that I eat a lot by ya know my chubby-ness, but no, I don’t eat all that much. Probably why I’m chubby, since my body knows it doesn’t get food all that often, so it stores fat more. Damn biology. 

– I don’t like to pay full price for things. But I also will buy something just because it’s such a good deal. I have a pair of Nike golf shoes that I bought brand new for $5. I don’t golf. I’ve never worn them. I never will. But it was such a good deal!

– I’ve been noticing a lot of little changes about myself lately. Due to the medication keeping my moods, emotions, feelings, under control.
I talk with my hands. I guess that means I’m more open now, instead of closed off. It’s odd. The only time I used to was when I was drunk and/or high. 
I can call people and just wing it without the script.
I can actually make boring small talk with people.
I smile more. I feel lighter than I think I ever have.
Not to say that my evil isn’t there, it’s just a bit calmer now.
I think I’m actually happy. Not for any real reason, just plain everyday happy. It’s kinda odd.