Faking happy

I find it hard to overcome the depression. I feel I am in a hole I just can’t dig myself out of. I know this is going to sounds totally nuts, but as a teenage I was horribly moody with my family. I went through a lot of shit. I use to fight with my father all the time because I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done to me. He use to call me names and make me feel so small. I even took a knife to him once, it was stupid because I was young and tiny compared to him. I just wanted him to know…back off…And I remember as I got older, I use to tell myself " girl nobody likes someone that is always sad" So I would fake being happy. Yeah I know that seems so stupid, but when you fake something for so long, you believe it. I did the same with my marriage. I faked that I was happy, when I truly wasn’t. And now, I feel horribly miserable, because I am "faking happy" …lol…I am trying to get use to the fact that this reality I have, its what will make me happy. Not the fake world I was living in before. If I want to be happy in the future, I need to find someone I can be real with. Someone that is not perfect, and who is willing to put up with my imperfections…Ok I am not as bad as some people, but I have to be the most emotional person you will meet. I love to express myself through emotion, I love to express it physically. I can be the most loving person in the world, and they next moment the most cold person. And I think the key thing to finding that special someone, is the one that is willing to stand by my side through it all. Loving me for me.