dazed and confused

Another day, more drama and confusion. So I am totally out to lunch with everything going on in my life. I am cutting out all drama in my life and I realized it has become an excuse to push away all friends and family. Oh you tell me something I don’t like, your cut. CUT CUT CUT…I am starting to think my fate in life is to be in the middle of the drama. Should I love and embrace this drama? Live it like its mine? Should I stop pushing away the people I love the most..? How do I tell the one guy in my life I think I want to be with that I would like to try? How do I say to him that I do the things I do to test him and try to push him away in order to gage his interest and committment? I can say for sure, he thinks I’m crazy and needy. I do everything I can to make him run, because I am truly afraid that he will break my heart…Yet he doesn’t run, he stays, he tries to help me. He knows my good, bad and evil. And I really think after all this I am falling for him. Don’t ask me how, don’t ask me why…God…I’m so totally f*cked aren’t I?