Stories like me are a dime a dozen…

 This entry is not meant to complain but to share my story.

I’ve spent as long as I can remember feeling like a lower grade human being than anyone else.  When meeting people and attempting to form relationships, I would always think, "Why would they want to be friends with me?  I’m nothing special."  I always felt unworthy of having relationships, and I always felt this was normal.  I swear I always thought everyone felt that way – that everyone’s confidence was just for show, and although they claimed to be "too good for so-and-so," they deep down knew they weren’t.  But a few years ago, I realized how wrong I was and how not normal my way of thinking was.  I mean, why is it that I feel second rate compared to anyone and anything?  I felt this way for so long that I don’t even know how I became like this.  

My self image became exceptionally bad in high school when I would constantly tell myself that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, etc.  In some ways, I feel that I did this purposely.  In other ways, I feel that it was preceded by feelings of inadequacy and prior problems.  I’m not really sure what lead to it, and I’m not really sure what my thoughts would consist of today if that hadn’t happened.  Would I love myself more?  Honestly, probably not.  My issues would probably still be here.

I’ve recently tried to change my internal thoughts.  I’ve stopped every negative thought and replace it with some of my pep talks to myself.  It helps slightly, but I feel that my problems are so deep-seated that there’s little hope.  Yet another part of my thinks that it will just take time.  I hope the latter part is right.  

…which brings me to this entry.  I’ve bought Demi Lovato’s new book where there is a quote, encouraging words, and a goal for each day of the year, and I’m trying to be active in reading this book.  Today’s quote talked about sharing your story so that it might help others.  So here I am. 🙂  I’m not really fixed or changed, but I’m working towards it and trying to overcome my own self each day.  I still have a rather sucky self image because no matter what nice things I say to myself, I never fully believe them.  But I’m trying to be happier and more confident.

And although my story is rather insignificant and a dime a dozen, there’s a possibility (no matter how small) that someone reading this will feel a connection to it and to me.  If not, that’s okay too.