Old Ghosts Newly Visible

 Have you ever gone away from a certain place for a while, and while you were gone, you idealized that place.  Maybe not even idealized, but simply looked forward to returning, hoping things would be different this time. That maybe you’d be more outgoing when you returned.  And maybe you’d make more friends and find a boyfriend.  Only, when you actually return, an almost inexplainable feeling drowns you:

      You know you’re going to fall back into your old comfortable, 

   but unfulfilling, routine.  And you recognized that this was your

   chance to change things and make everything better for yourself. 

   Except, you realize that things won’t change because while your

   circumstances may change, your personality disorder didn’t and

   won’t go away.  And then this agonizing depression fills your

   stomach and chest, but you can’t tell people the real reason for

   the feeling because you just can’t.  So you try your best to fall

   back into your old comfortable way and hope numbness will replace

   the pain.