Miserable really

 I don’t know how to be.  I’m lost.  I thought I was lost before…and I was…but I didn’t realize I could become more lost.  I want to start over..start a new life somewhere other than my hometown.  I picture me making new friends..best friends..and getting a boyfriend and working to support myself and being happy.  I’m so good at fantasizing about it that I almost believe that it could actually happen.  Then I realize that moving somewhere else would mean nothing different.  I’d still isolate myself, not open up to anyone, and avoid anything social that isn’t structured.  I know how to be when something is structured.  Its when theres free time that I act like a freak.  The only thing that would be different is I’d miss my mom a lot..a lot.  

I don’t know whats wrong with me.  I’ve always felt not good enough.  I’ve always felt like I’m some socially inept idiot who doesn’t have any friends.  I’ve just kept it hidden.  I put on this front like I’m normal and chose to be a loner, but I’m not happy this way.  I want to feel connected to another human being that’s not my mom.  And I want to feel fully connected because I still don’t feel completely connected with my mom either.  And even though I’ve always felt this way and known that I’m some freak that can cover shit up, it fucking hurts when someone tells you that they don’t want you around and "at least I have friends."  

I don’t want an apology for it though…Because saying you’re sorry for saying it doesn’t change the fact that that’s what you think.  It doesn’t change the fact that you think I’m fucked up.  Did you know that I’ve spent my whole life trying to be perfect because I can’t handle rejection or somebody telling me that I’m not good enough?  I even fucking refused to ask to go to the bathroom during class because I was afraid the teacher would say no.  No one understood.  When I would ask people if they thought the teacher would say yes, they’d say, "Just ask.  The worst she could say is no."  I didn’t realize how fucked up avoiding asking this dumb question was until now.  

When I go back to school in the fall, I’ve been thinking I won’t come home as much for breaks, and maybe I’ll look into a summer internship down there so I don’t have to come home.  But I know if i did this, I wouldn’t really be any happier.  I’d miss my mom too much.  

So right now, I’m just confused about everything.  And I’m unhappy.  Miserable really