Venting

So for months now I have tried this whole happy go lucky, I’m gonna give it a chance…mood. Well….

I met a nice girl. Her name is Shauna. I can’t believe how much we actually have in common. She makes me smile and laugh and just look at everything with a possibility. I feel like I can breathe again…

Then there is Kasi. My ex who I have been on again off again with for the past 7 years…with the exception of the past year. We have been broken up since March or April of 2010 and this is the longest we have been apart. I even moved 1500 miles away from her. We still talk…and sometimes I wonder why because it seems like all we do is upset one another. For so long she seemed to just not know what to do with our relationship. She ran from this and hid from that and screwed my best friend and moved her from Cali to Louisiana into OUR home. She has never really known how to deal with me or my depression and I finally just couldn’t take it anymore. So Kasi and I speak tonight and she wants to address all of this pain that I feel, tells me I need to stop hiding from it or I/we will never get through it. I basically told her that yes, I do see her in my future because she is what I am use to and she is the only person that has really ever been there for me and she has been my best friend for years…HOWEVER…I do not trust her and she makes me angry so what is the point? I don’t love her like I use to. I can’t, because I will never see pasts the anger and tears and betrayal. We should not do this to ourselves.

Right now, all I can think about is talking to Shauna. How when she calls I am going to want to tell her that I spoke to Kasi and this is what we talked about. I know Shauna will be there and I know she will be understanding and that is important to me. She makes me feel like I can talk to her about anything and everything….and that scares me. For so long I swore I would never meet someone that had the same beliefs and views as I do, but she does. She GETS me and that is a rarity for me.

So why am I scared? Why do I feel like this is too good to be true? Maybe because I feel like this could be the best relationship of my life. Maybe because all of a sudden all of the bad things that have gone on finally make sense because it has brought me to where I am today…and for that I am happy. So instead of being scared I am going to hold on with every fiber of my being because something tells me this will be the best ride of my life.