Sometimes Myspace Just Isn’t MY Space

I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I don’t know what to do.

I have been back in Cali now for about 2 months. This is what I wanted right? I needed to get AWAY from Kasi and the life that we once had together.

We were together for about 4 years and for those who don’t know…she LEFT ME…and shacked up with my “friend”. It was one of the hardest things ever. I guess I always thought it would happen because Breanne was always bad news, but I always chose to forgive her because I’m an idiot. I just never thought Kasi would let me down like that. We had plans ya know. We had a house we had our lil family..I just never thought she would break me.

So this past year has been hell. I have bounced from one endless relationship to another. Dated a crazy girl that hit me so I hit her back and broke her eye socket. Watched her strangle my puppy and then get hauled off to the looney bin. Dealt with Kasi being a real prick and keeping EVERYTHING I ever bought or earned for myself.

So after everything Kasi and I tried to date again. She was all in it and wanted nothing more. Me? I didn’t know. I was hesitant because she broke my heart. She broke my heart and she dated and slept with my friend. I just didn’t know how to push all of that aside. I didn’t know how to get over how bad she hurt me and

what exactly happened, so I ended it before it ever began. We talked off and on and we ended up sleeping together just for her to walk out the next day and not say 2 words to me. She ignored me for about a week and then finally told me that it “freaked” her out. Ouch. Then the day before my birthday she shows up at my work…kisses me so passionately I thought I was going to fall down…just for me to find out that night she was at the mall holding hands with Breanne and then lied to me about it.

So here I am. 2 months into my stay in Cali and I have been seeing a wonderful girl that I have known since I was living in Louisiana. I was good. I was REALLY good. I had let go of the Kasi thing. She didn’t want to talk and quite frankly I was fine with that. She was doing her own thing and I was happy with where I was.

When did it all change??

I don’t know. Kasi and I have been talking for whatever reason and she has come to this EPIPHANY that OMG JUST MAYBE I SCREWED EVERYTHING UP. Now she tells me that a piece of her is missing. That she feels empty without me and she is so sorry and she would do anything she could to make things better and that she wants me to come “home”. Yes I miss Louisiana…but do I miss her? I don’t know.

Myra and I got have gotten serious and I don’t want to hurt her but I think about so much.

She is not able to help with bills or anything. We are staying at her MOMS house right now which is not all that great on the Self Esteem. I pay 500 a month plus groceries for somewhere that is…less than ok. There are 4 other people here and I don’t know. I just feel stupid.

Now I feel so overwhelmed with everything I just don’t know what to do. Do I give in to thoughts of the past and how it was easier….and how comfortable we were with each other? Or do I keep going forward. Do I really miss her or is it just that things right now are hard and different and my head and heart are fighting over thoughts and emotions. I really don’t know anymore.

Kasi is the only person to have been there for me through everything. I loved her without a doubt and would have done anything for her. She wasn’t ready then but what makes her ready now? And what gives her the right to another chance when she has already had more than some?? I have all these questions but now answers. I will always love her but is it something worth going back to or do I just need to let it all go??

I don’t know what the right thing to do is let alone what I want.

I just want to sit and cry like a baby but it doesn’t help!