Long Night

So…last night I had to call the cops on Jess. She came over after I blocked her on Facebook and on my phone. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The insults, the childish behavior, her holding shit over my head. I just could not deal with the emotional abuse.

She came over around 10 at night. I politely asked her to leave through the door after she knocked on it for a good 5 minutes. She refused to leave and me being the goon that I am eventually opened the door. She came in even though I said no. I yelled at her and told her that she needs to figure out herself. She needs to get help and find out why she is so insecure and controlling and that I just can’t deal with it anymore. We can’t even have a friendship because she treats me like shit and I have reached my level of disgust and anger. I wish she would understand that. So I asked her to leave and she wouldn’t. She walked further and further into my home. I called the cops and then she threatened to smash everything in my apartment. I think we both knew she wouldn’t really do it and if she did then I probably would have lost my temper.

I just hate that I feel bad. She treats ME like shit and then crys in front of me and threatens to crash into a tree and I feel like shit. Yet she swears she doesn’t deal with depression. I really don’t know what to do or say. Part of me feels like this is the right thing to do. To put that space between us because no matter what type of relationship it is, it is never healthy. The other part of me wants to give in and tell her ok she can be in my life because I have never been on my own. Without a way to do anything. I know I will feel better once I get a car again but I have no idea how long that will be. I just hope not too long because I might end up freaking out.

I just want things to be ok for me. I want to feel secure and needed and wanted. I don’t like feeling this overwhelming feeling of fear and abandonment….

One day at a time…