Lately

Seems like forever since I’ve sat down and wrote anything that made any sense.

Kasi and I are back in New Orleans. Well Metairie, close enough to New Orleans. We have a wonderful 2 bedroom apartment, but I can’t help but be skeptical of hurricane season.

I want to move. I really, truly hate it here. I know Kasi won’t move anytime soon, and even if we do…it’ll have to be somewhere we compromise on because she won’t move to California.

My brother’s baby is due in September. Sam *his g/f* is soooo big :o) It’s cute. We bought our tickets to fly out right after Christmas and I can’t tell you how excited I am about that. I can’t wait to see my family.

My mother and I have yet to talk. Next month makes a year. That’s depressing in itself.

The doctor upped my Zoloft from 50mg to 100. I feel more numb than anything. Some days I’m ok, and other days I’m so anxious that everything gets on my nerves. From the lights being on to the way Kasi walks.

I just feel so distant from everything right now. I just feel like I’m not living my own life. Really like I’m not living at all. I use to love coming to work and now…I can’t wait to get the hell out of here everyday. All I want to do is sleep…I feel like I can never sleep enough.

Kasi and I are doing surprisingly well. Every since we moved out here and I have been on my medicine we have tried, or I have tried, to talk more than yell. I still have a lot of anger inside of me for things in my past. I’m trying to deal with one thing at a time, but sometimes I just don’t have the answers.

I feel lonely a lot. I guess that is why I am writing in here because it’s the only place I can say that without being ridiculed. Kasi gets so mad and upset whenever I tell her I am lonely or upset, she always feels like it is her fault and really it has nothing to do with her.

I’m rambling..and that usually means I’m making no sense :o)