2/11/07

I use to update my “life” all of the time. Didn’t matter how non important or extremly boring it was….I always wanted to keep track of everything.

I had a diary that had 700 some entries and with lack of thinking I deleated it to “escape” memories of the past. Yea…not so intelligent because the memories are still there and I lost all of my old poems and everything.

Kasi and I have been engaged or whatever now for almost 2 months. Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited about this beautiful ring that she bought me…however…what the hell am I suppose to call us. Or consider us. She asked me to “spend the rest of my life with her” yet we aren’t going to have a “wedding” because she knows her family wouldn’t come and that would upset her, but yet….we aren’t married. I don’t know..it’s just all too weird and too much to think about.

I’m in a really bad mood lately. I just feel this overwhelming saddness. I can’t excape it or get around it. I should be happy. My job is going pretty well other than the fact that I am one of the only people that really cares about what we need to do to keep our store running properly. We are looking into getting a house and moving away from this god forsaken city. My dad and stepmom are transfering to Houston so they will only be about 5 and a half hours away rather than 2000 miles away.

I’m just…UGH! I don’t even know. I want to yell and scream and cry all at the same time and I dont know why. I totally hate feeling like this because it makes me feel all pathetic and worthless.

I just feel like I’m missing something. I feel like I have this void and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix myself…nothing new..just more bothersome than ever before.