05/17/2011

So I wrote this a week ago when I was at work. I am having such a hard time here no knowing anybody and just trying to get through each day and then with my ex g/f being a total bitch I just can’t seem to escape. But…this is pretty much how I feel :-/

It’s hard to explain what it is I feel inside. This empty, sinking feeling that nothing can seem to fix. I wonder sometimes just how damaged and broken I really am. The things I think and actions I take I often feel ashamed of who I have become. Everyone tells me “Oh you’ll get through. You always do. You’re so strong.” When I hear that, all I really feel is “Get over it-it’s not the end of the world.”

It’s so hard to just be ok. To wake up every morning and look forward to anything. I feel like I just exist in a world full of people who are truly living. I try every day to do something positive. To be a good person-but-at the end of the day I jsut feel like Im faking a smile that will never be real.

Years I’ve struggled with this deafening sadness. Years now I’ve felt inadequate and out of place. I think I’ve tried so hard to NOT become a product of my own environment that along the ay I forgot to just be…me. I remember waking one day and realizing that everything that once defined me was gone-and thinking “What the hell is my purpose now?” I was once a good ‘wife’, a care taker, a lover, a friend….I had a purpose. I felt alive.

Some days I can’t even seem to take care of myself. I can barely even deal with my own emotions and craziness so how is someone else suppose to ever know how to handle me and be there for me? And now through everything I’ve built this wall because I’m so terrified to let anyone else in and see what it is that makes me….me. I’m so afraid of being hurt, let down, beaten down, cheated on and taken for granted that I push people away before we can ever become of anything.

I always say my biggest fear is to be alone and never have children. But I think really my fear is of letting anyone in that close to me again and trusting that they’ll never hurt me. Intentionally that is because we all hurt people even if by mistake.

Some days I just feel so helpless. Like I have so many different emotions and I just don’t know how to process them. I really feel like no one understands and when I do open up it’s like I just get shot down because people don’t see why I can just feel this way and really just not know the reason why. My anxiety has been so bad that at night I just cry and I can feel my chest tighten and all I can do is lay in a ball till I hopefully, eventually fall asleep.

I still struggle with my sexuality because I am convinced that if I were straight, or maybe given more time to grow when I was a teenager, that I would have been better off. Instead…well instead I was forced into this box that I was not comfortable with and I chased one love story after another convinced that I could MAKE someone love me. Like REALLY love me. Convinced someone would stick around through the good and the bad. Someone I could lose time with…hold hands with…kiss in the rain…go out on the town…plan vacations, play a family and a life, fall asleep with the tv on, talk for hours and laugh so hard that we couldn’t breathe. I never wanted things to be perfect, I just wanted them to be okay. I wanted the rough edges and the make ups and the I’m sorries…I just wanted some smooth edges to even it all out.

I still feel like I did something wrong in a past life. What have I done so wrong for things to be so fucking difficult? I try so hard but I am always left to struggle. Left to feel alone and like no one understands. I know I push people away for that. For never going through the things I have gone through. I know I don’t allow people to be there because they haven’t traveled the same road. I think I do it solely because of shame. I am embarrassed to be where I am at my age and I have such high standards for myself and just don’t know how to live up to them anymore.

I just had so much hope and ambition when I was younger. People tell me to be proud now, and to look at what I’ve done…but…I live in the coulda, shoulda, woulda….

What is so damn wrong with me that I can’t just be happy and let go and let be and move on to that next phase of my life???

When I was 16 I was raped. I swore I wouldn’t let it define me or predetermine my course in life. That summer I fell for my first ture love Amanda. My life revolved around her, which is normal for my relationships. I broke her heart so in return she demolished mine. I’m not sure I ever got over how that all happened. I moved away at 18 to escape the drama that that failed relationship brought on.

I dated Alisha. She was older and more…idk..cultured? She seemed put together and matured but really she was screwing me then begging for her ex to come back. Our breakup resulted in her throwing me onto a rock table and me become so enraged that our roommate had to pull me off of her.

I met Kasi. I thought she was the most perfect thing ever. So sweet with her romantic ideas and country lyrics. I couldn’t help but be enthralled in the girl. I loved her with a passion I never thought I was capable of. But Kasi…well she was in love with her ex. She held onto someone who was letting go of her and I held onto the unobtainable. When Kasi finally fell into me we actually were able to have a few good years. Then she met Breanne. I can’t sit here and blame the whole fall out of our relationship on that, although I would love to. I think Kasi just didn’t know how to handle me, my depression and my mood swings. Somewhere along the way we lost how we fell in love. We lost respect for one another and grew complacent. Which makes me giggle cause I doubt she knows what that word means.

Then I move again and I am just still not ok. Maybe I am just defective. Broken beyond recognition and maybe I will never know that feeling of happiness. Maybe I just pick everything apart until there is nothing left…