The End, The Beginning

I’m not even sure where to begin. I hate myself. I’m proud of myself. I strive only for a bright future for my daughter. If I had to cut my husband out, it had to be done. I didn’t want it to come to that. I don’t believe in separating a child from their parent, but that is what essentially happened.

I made the phone call to the cops.

I’m Canadian, my husband is American and our daughter (3 years old) is American. We were all here, in Canada ,living under my dad’s roof, until I could save up enough cash to get our own place. But he always made things difficult. At the beginning, he WAS trying to be a better person but that all changed. I won’t overly go in detail about my life in the States today, but it’s been tough.omg story short, we lost our jobs over the boss not liking us cause we go in to work and don’t socialize much. I’d admitted to smoking weed to the US government,not realizing I was breaking any laws. They denied my 10 year fight to get my work card renewal and told me I had to leave the country. I’m not allowed back for a while. So, I dragged my whole family here for a year. Hoping for the best. Hoping like hell that he’d turn out to be a damn good dad. But the drinking and selfishness. The controlling and the head games. The insulting, fighting, the utter lack of respect for anyone or anything…

Telling my daughter that it is “funny to kick mommy”.

It’s not a way to raise a child.

I couldn’t handle it anymore. And working, making windows, and worrying about my daughter. About how much attention he’s giving her. How much sugar? How are they spending their day? Did they go for a walk,? What time did they get up? What did she have for lunch? Did he get her to nap? How fussy is she going to be? What if she breaks another tv? Or gets a hold of scissors? Or knives? What if she’s jumping on the bed, he’s got 2 sets of headphones in, can’t hear a thing and she falls off the bed, breaks her skull and he HEARS NOTHING?!?!? Or even choking on chips while jumping that he had no idea she acquired in the first place?

Things that go through my head and I work with glass.

He’d get mad at me if I asked them about their day. I was not allowed to inquire about my daughter’s day. I’m up at 5 and she’s still totally wired at 1am. What the hell is that? And I’m not allowed to ask why.

And the drinking and mental abuse that comes with it. Insults, belittling, every verbal attack really.

And attacking me because he wanted my bank card to get alcohol and I said no.

If I let that go, things would just get worse. I can’t do it anymore. Because of that, I had to call the cops and, being American and not bothering with immigration, she’s to be deported.

Lost his daughter.

She misses him so much and I hate that I had to do that. I’m broken.

I’m hurting worse than I’ve ever felt.

But, on the upside, I’m not on edge. I’m alone but that’s just it. I’m not left wondering why I FEEL like a single parent when her dad was right there. I just am. I’m a single parent and I’ll do anything that preserves my daughter’s safety, happiness and mental health.

I’m going to end this here. I’ll definitely be writing more. It helps to write it down.

PS, it’s funny how I met my husband on this site ages ago and I’m writing about the end of us, here, again.