PTSD?
Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t anything seriously wrong with my brain. The past 12 years have been the most fucked up in my life yet I still fought for it. I gave in, despite the signs of obvious manipulation. I let myself be handled that way. I let myself get used up emotionally, time and time again. I gave everything of myself. I gave myself to other people just for him and he never gave himself to me. It was always about getting with other people. I don’t even know if he loved me. But I’m beginning to seriously doubt it.
I feel like I was more of a puppet. I was played. Manipulated with fears of losing him (he’s American, I’m Canadian), and using my own giving nature to just take and take. I think I was just that. An object he could use up.
When our baby was born, the place was a disaster, completely unfit for an infant and I’d get yelled at for cleaning.
The alcohol too…
I’d let this shit go on for as long as I could. A year after we moved into dad’s home here in Canada, things just got so bad, I had to call the cops. He was deported.
That was 7 months ago.
He hasn’t seen his daughter since. And, as much as I hate the thought of my family being ripped to pieces, she’s better off. She’s finally talking and communicating. She’s learning to read, she’s singing at a place in town that has karaoke, helping me clean. She’s learning manners and signing. Her speech has improved drastically. And it’s only been 7 months. I’ve been working with her alot. Doing those pre-K workbooks.
Point is. She’s better off without him. We both are.
But I’ve been really sick to my stomach and my head lately, I think I’m under alot of stress. And I feel like I’m back to not knowing what my identity is anymore, even though I also feel like I’m finally remembering who I am.
I’m so messed up.
Brooooo! I know that exact feeling! Good thing is that it does pass.
It was also due to a broken relationship full of lies…. one thing I keep telling myself, is to just do what makes me happy. And to do it for me.
That causes its own thought spiral, but it’s better than letting someone step before mine and my kids needs again.
You’re doing amazing! I know you got this! You’ve already gotten over one hurdle, the next hurdle will be a piece of cake ¤♡¤
@turtleeatspink Thank you for the support and understanding. Things get tough, but her smile, how well she’s doing, that’s what gives me hope. I spent 30 years wanting to die. Now, with her, I actually fear death. I fear leaving her alone. So, she gives me reason to get up in the morning and do my best. I seem to get very angry and frustrated sometimes but I try to remind myself, I have to care for her. I only want what’s best for her.
@wolfybathory you’re doing amazing. Any effort to make positive changes within yourself are great accomplishments. Just keep reminding yourself and you’ll be just fine
@turtleeatspink seeing notes like this, just being reassured, really helps me believe maybe I am doing a half decent job. Thank you.
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How are you now?
@reflection33 I don’t know. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I just want to give up and go belly up, some days I feel so strong and on top of the world. I should have left him a long time ago but then, I wouldn’t have my daughter. She’s the one thing that’s really given me life. She gives me hope. And, even though I worry about her mental health, her smiles and silliness makes things better.
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It sounds like both you and your daughter are in much better places. Keep doing those workbooks with her! Not only is it helping her, but I suspect it is helping you, too.
Keep your chin up!
@lonelydad Thank you. It’s definitely helping both of us. People around me comment on how much she’s improved since he’s been gone. I can’t provide for her right now cause I can’t leave her alone at home, she’s only 3. But I am holding hope. Even with the mess in my head, I only fight to be a good mom and shed the darkness he’s wrapped around my heart.
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