Against my own souls warning

I feel mixed up.

On the one hand I have almost convinced myself that we should not get back together. That i should stand strong. My boundaries were broken. If we get back together i’m effectively telling him that it’s okay to do it again…cause i’ll always stick around. I wish he would stay on his meds. That was the boundary he broke. He promised he’d commit to taking them. I don’t think i should’ve had to add, ‘and remember to make sure you re-order your script.’

It’s not like we haven’t been here before. This is break up number 4. We’ve made massive progress, but it’s not enough when coupled with this recent transgression.

He has self-awareness that he has commitment phobia, and has made effort to tackle it. There have been plenty of moments of real intimacy and soul baring, of tenderness and compassion. We are each others only exception, as sappy as it sounds. The only person we’ve shown our light and dark to.  But his life is a shambles right now and clearly he can’t give me what i need.

But to accept that when we clearly love each other is tough. I thought we could manage it if his MH was stable. I understand what it does to us (we’re on the same meds), which is why it’s so frustrating. It feels like self sabotage.

I did something when we argued and I broke it off. I’d made the decision before it happened.

I rang his parents. I swore them to secrecy about my call and asked to visit. I told them about the break up and that i was worried for him. When he’s off his meds things start to slide and his kiddos end up having to live with the fallout. He is a great Dad, but he’s nowhere near his best when ill, which is understandable. So take your meds man!!! Grr. Anyway, he could do with a bit of help and is too proud to ask…or it’s because he wants it to happen a certain way. His parents have said they’ve offered to help out in the past but he’s too stubborn to accept – a self confessed trait of his I can attest to. He has accepted some help from them recently. He is starting to let people in. Anyway, I gave them some advice on how best to approach the situation. It feels good to know his Dad will be looking out for him. I do worry about him. And i shouldn’t have to. So, now his Dad can be that person.

He knows he needs therapy. He is on a waiting list. Being in therapy myself i know the benefits – but that’s another entry. You can’t rush someone to where they need to be.

For now, i have to get used to it just being me and my two kiddos again. Enjoy spending time at my house and focusing on my family.

He is bringing my stuff over tomorrow. I asked for it to be dropped off today, but after the way we left things the night before, i wasn’t surprised when i didn’t hear from him.

After a lot of thinking and soul searching tonight I decided that, even though it could be seen as me changing my mind, by initiating contact, i’d take the risk. I messaged him to say I was okay and not to worry. And that i wished him luck with his uni assignment. I know how hard it is to study when there is drama going on first hand. Both him and my mother gave me drama while i was trying to complete my degree. I probably shouldn’t have entered into a new relationship during my degree, but i’d been on my own for three and a half years and I needed romance, lust, fun, intimacy. I’d really missed it and my self esteem and confidence had grown. I had the stuffing knocked out of me trying to balance everything. It’s taken me a while to recover.

Anyway, i digress.

I didn’t want our relationship woes affect his studies. So i am going to cut him off for a bit…already achieved on facebook, but messages will stop after he’s dropped my stuff off. I know i said i was taking a break from our relationship…but i think we both know it’s over over. We can have the dissolution talk once he’s ready. I’ll explain my side, him his…and hopefully be able to salvage a friendship at some point when we get used to being without each other. I think we have to do that, because it’s like we are addicted to each other. Every time we break up, we see each other and then start making up excuses to see each other and before you know it we are professing our undying love for one another. It’s a bad habit – this time he broke my caveat. The meds. The trust is going…and with that the intimacy will follow.

Why does this suck so much?!