about a girl.

this entry is public because i have recently done a friends cut and made all my entries friends only. if anyone new is interested in reading, here’s the place to start. 🙂

so, a little about me and what i journal about: my name is becca, i’m  22 years old and have been writing here since the summer of 2003. i live in maryland and am currently going to community college in pursuit of a degree in human services. i was planning on transferring after that and majoring in social work to get liscensed as a therapist/social worker but am now leaning more towards the idea of still working in the mental health field, but on a lesser level, perhaps in a day program or hospital as a mental health associate or facilitator/counselor. i graduated from high school in 2005, but because of some setbacks i only have 19 credits currently (out of the 64 required for my major.) this semester i am taking elementary algebra (i’m terrible at anything math and have to take some pre-req courses before i can take a college-level course), music appreciation, and introduction to sociology.

i love to write, read, listen to music, hang out with my friends, watch movies, etc. etc. my passion is writing. i have written a lot of poetry (published 6 pieces), i am writing a memoir about my struggles with and recovery from mental illness and plan to someday publish that (it is a perpetual work-in-progress) as well as more poetry, perhaps. i love art and do a lot of collaging, drawing, handmaking cards, scrapbooking, and am currently working on an altered book – sort of a book full of collages of different things. art has really helped me to cope with some of my issues and i am very into art therapy and creative expression.

the bulk of what i write about in here pertains to my daily life, particularly with some of my mental illnesses. i also post some poetry/writing and talk about other things, too. i try not to write solely about mental health stuff to avoid seeming "emo" (as i am not) or as if my life is all gloom and doom and blah, blah, blah. however, it is a major part of my life, and since i am trying to recover, it is therapeutic to write about and so i do. i’ve been in therapy since i was 15 years old but my issues started when i was younger, around 12 or so. i’ve struggled with depression (diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent and dsythymia) since i was 11 or 12 but didn’t seek help until i was forced into therapy at 15. it’s genetic, but i’ve found that mine is extremely treatment resistive and have tried 35ish medications with little to no effect. in 2007, after another suicide attempt, i opted to get electroconvulsive therapy (ect, also known as "electroshock therapy") to put it mildly, it saved my life. it’s nothing as barbaric as portrayed in the movies (one flew over the cuckoo’s nest, for example) and although it is not a permanent fix, i am so much better now than i was then. each cycle of ect usually lasts around 4-8 months, and then i have to get "maintenance ect" to avoid another major depressive episode. i struggle a lot during the fall/winter months (and suspect i have some seasonal affective disorder traits.)  i’ve been through the whole treatment thing: in and out of psych hospitals, practically every year (several times) since 2004, have been on every medication under the sun, and have seen several (mostly incompetent) psychiatrists and a few therapists (generally all good.) right now i have a treatment team i like, including a psychiatrist, therapist, group therapist, and dietitian (for my eating disorder.)

i struggled with self-injury (cutting, occasional burning) from 2000-2007 and am very happy to say that i will have 2 years cut-free on september 10th. it was (is) a horrible addiction and i credit my recovery from that to ect, journaling/art/using other coping skills, and a hell of a lot of hard work in therapy.

another issue is my eating disorder. it’s a daily battle, and something i haven’t overcome (yet) like i can say for the self-injury. i struggled with bad body image as a pre-teen and the eating disorder set in after i gained weight during puberty. around 13, i started starving myself and quickly became obsessed with losing weight, finding "control" through not eating (cliche, i knowww) and coping with my emotions through starvation. i was diagnostically anorexic by 15  and was forced into therapy for that, the depression, and the self-injury. i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and anorexia. i struggled with it more intensely between 15-16. though still starving myself, i started binging and purging and although never diagnosed with bulimia, i definitely could have "qualified" (i hate that stupid criteria anyway)… i struggled with both restricting and b/p’ing up until now. i was hospitalized at 19 in april of ’06 and went inpatient for my eating disorder at sheppard pratt’s center for eating disorders. they diagnosed me with ednos (current diagnosis). i’ve been out of treatment (intensive, at leat) since june of ’06) but it is a daily struggle and i am currently fighting between the anorexia and the semi-normal eating with obsessive exercise all while trying to keep striving for recovery, which seems never attainable at times. (note: don’t leave a note if you are pro-ana/mia. i don’t need that negativity or ‘i-want-to-be-sick’ kind of diarists in my life. eating disorders are a disease, not a lifestyle, and while i am not fully recovered and i struggle with my eating disorder, in no way do i endorse, encourage, or associate with anything pro-ana/mia. just a little note. thanks.)

i attend a trauma group (group therapy). i am a survivor of sexual abuse (in varying degrees at ages 6-10, 10, 16, and18) and emotional/verbal abuse (throughout adolescent years with my father and 14-15 with an ex-boyfriend.) i have ptsd (posttraumatic stress disorder) and am working on that in both individual and group therapy.

my parents are divorced but civil. i live at home for now and i get along with all of my family (yet i have a codependent relationship with my father… something i talk about sometimes.) i have two brothers, one a twin and one 18 yrs. old. and i have a beautiful boxer-terrier-pit mix dog that we rescued from hurricane katrina in 2006. that’s about me in a nutshell… i feel like i’ve put a lot out there, perhaps too much, but that’s really what my diary is all about.

take it or leave it, it’s up to you. all i ask is that if you don’t want to read, please do not leave negative comments on this entry. i will just delete you anyhow.

i hope i get to meet some of you with similar interests/lives… just leave a note with a little about you if you’d like to read further.

~becca