Hourglass

I feel at a loss more and more often these days. It is as though my experiences and friends and all that I care for.. everyone and everything.. are all going away. It feel like it’s all slipping through my fingers.. like sand… the harder I try to hold on, the faster each grain tumbles through numb fingertips, lost forever.

It seems a pitiful existence.. to rely on friends, or those that I at least think of as friends, to feel complete. I don’t want to be alone, despite how often I say it. I say I hate the world. I say I need no one, because I’m in denial. If I deny my need, then it must not exist. I’m am a junkie denying their addiction as they shove the needle into their vein and push the poison into their blood.

Am I a vampire.. do I drain people of their compassion or their desire to care at all? I talk and talk, looking for some handhold, someone to understand, and I destroy them. If what I say destroys them, how do I still manage to continue. Can I not just self-destruct?

Or shall I just hide behind a mask forever..